Being Present

Being a parent is a hard mix of joy and fear. Fear of seeing your own weaknesses as a parent, fear for what could happen to your child, fear of the unknown- including the next stage of development. It is always such a sad/happy combination when your child advances to whatever is next (holding up their head, sitting up, crawling, walking, eating baby food, etc.). Once you are in the toddler/preschool stage those changes aren't as obvious sometimes and they don't come as frequently. But when I notice them it makes me sad for the stage that is gone.
When I was pregnant with Jack there were a lot of times when it was especially hard to be a good mom for Harper. Honestly, I was so stressed and so sad that it was hard to be engaged with her. (Side note- I realize that this might seem strange because of course, you'd think your natural reaction would be to cherish and love on your children even more- which I did sometimes, but until you've walked in these shoes- which I sincerely pray no one else has to do- there is no way to understand. So no judging please). Harper definitely lifted our spirits daily and helped us smile and laugh when I didn't think it was possible. But there were times that I was so unengaged that I probably missed out on things I wish I hadn't. We've also been looking at old pictures of Harper and reminiscing/mourning her baby/toddler days.
But I've been trying to really appreciate the stage she is in now, too. It really is such a fun age and I know I'll be so sad to see THIS stage gone as well (all too soon!). She is at the point where we can have a full conversation, pretty much like any grown up. Sometimes better than some adults! ;-) She also has started telling jokes (though, much like her mother, she usually doesn't remember the punch line). She remembers EVERYTHING (which we have to be super careful with) and often will reminisce with us "When I was a little girl..." or "When I was two...". Often when she says "when I was two" it was something that just happened a week ago! She is also SUPER helpful now, which is awesome. And she loves to help. She begs to help with washing dishes, loves to help with yard work (especially watering plants), and loves to help me "clean" the floors with her brooms and mops. She also just had the stomach bug and as gross as this may be, she now can throw up in the toilet or into a trash can rather than just all over (she almost never gets the stomach bug so maybe this usually happens earlier, who knows!). Today she really wanted to help me disinfect everything, so I gave her a sanitizing wipe and we went to town wiping everything down! How awesome is that? Sick one day then helping to disinfect the next! Another one of my favorite things right now is that Harper still doesn't really care what other people think about her. Oh, she wants her friends to be nice and treat her well but as far as being embarrassed about things we haven't hit that stage yet. Sometimes she won't "perform" for people, but that is fine. Today we were outside and she was riding her bike. At the corner of our street is a raised drainage ditch. She stood on the "stage" and sang "Let It Go" loudly while doing every. single. motion. from the song. It was the sweetest thing to just sit back and appreciate her innocence and confidence and just pure joy that she had.
When I posted on New Years Eve about what a crappy year 2013 had been and how we were making a blessings jar so we could look back on 2014 and really appreciate it I had no idea how much we'd need that or how much worse 2014 would be than 2013. I hope that we can continue to be present and truly appreciate all of the amazing things we have been blessed with. And even if you haven't gone through a crisis, it is just as important for you to appreciate everything you have! Because we aren't guaranteed that it will be here tomorrow!

Here is Harper telling one of her jokes! 

LOVED.

When you are in a nightmare that there is no waking up from, you can do one of two things. You can give up and succumb to the nightmare. Or you can rise above it and make the choice to keep on going, keep moving forward. I say choice because it is. Life can throw you some terrible curveballs but it is your choice how you handle it.

Our family is so fortunate because even in times when I just wanted to give up, we were loved so well and so deeply that it motivated us to choose to keep going. If you are reading this blog you are most likely one of those people that showed us love. From a random text on a random day from a friend halfway across the country just to say hi and thinking about you, to a freezer full of food to sustain us through the hard times, to meals brought for weeks by people who sacrificed their time and energy to bring us dinner to make life a little easier, to cards from people we haven't spoken to in years,  to sweet friends flying and driving from all over to rally around me, to prayers for us from those close to us and from people in other countries we will never meet, to our families who knew when to give us space and when to hold us tight, to the sweet teachers at Harper's school that let her talk about Jack when she needs to, to the people who have been bold enough to share their stories of loss and hope and healing with us.

There are a thousand other ways we have been loved and I wish I could share them all. We appreciate you all SO much and there is no way I will ever be able to express my gratitude in words. We have learned so much how to love others well from the way you all have loved us and we will (and hopefully have already) love on other people in this same way. You have all been the literal body of Christ to us. Jesus' message boiled down to its most simplistic form was love.

Strength

It is Mother's Day weekend. Today is also Jack's one month birthday.  Mother's Day weekend used to only be a happy time. I never realized how hard this weekend could be for people, not just who have lost a child, but people who long to have children and haven't, people who have lost their mother, and people who don't have a good relationship with their own moms. This weekend I will celebrate getting to be a mom. I can't and won't spend the weekend in mourning. Will I be sad? yes. Will I be thinking about Jack constantly? yes. I have prayed for strength to not only get through this weekend but to enjoy it as much as possible. So far I have been able to enjoy a lot; getting to have Muffins with Mom at Harper's school, visiting with other moms while we watch our kids play at the playground, watching a roomful of kids sing and dance to "Let It Go" from Frozen, and meeting a dear friend for lunch today. My prayer for strength makes me think a lot about various versions of the same phrase that people have said over and over to Jason and I:

"You are a strong person." "You guys are so strong." "I could never do that, you're stronger than me."

Want to know a secret? We are not strong. And when you tell me "I could never do it"...guess what? I said the same thing when I saw other people going through really hard situations "I don't know how they do it, I could never do it". We don't get a choice whether we get to "do it" or not. I would have NEVER labeled myself as someone strong enough to go through the loss of a child. I think of all the instances in the Bible when God chooses people to further his kingdom that no one would have ever picked out as being special or important enough to be chosen by God (even Jesus was not who people would have expected- they expected a king in a palace, not a baby born in a manger!). I say this not to say we are as important as Jesus by any means, but to say that God gives strength to people without any. He values everyone, even the weakest. There is no way I would even be standing right now if it weren't for the strength supplied by God. He put people in our lives who have prayed for us without ceasing, people who have loved us and helped us get through this. He has given us strength that I can only describe as supernatural. The fact that I am still breathing, still standing, still walking around, still able to laugh and smile, points to this supernatural strength. So while we may seem strong, please know that we are weak and broken people. Who have been blessed with strength unimaginable by God, not from ourselves.

Heard this on the way home from lunch today and thought it was appropriate for this blog post!

One week

A week ago today we got to meet our sweet Jack. A week ago today we said goodbye to sweet Jack.

I am sitting here at our dining room table. Decorated for Easter. It seems strange to have eggs and bunnies and flowers now. I am sure anyone who has experienced a loss can testify that it is magnified around a holiday. But right now the loss is so fresh, it is even stranger to have the contrast between the deep feelings of grief and the happy pastels of this holiday.

Our table is also strewn with papers. Mail yet to be opened that collected while we were at the hospital. "Recommended Resources" on coping with grief, on helping your children cope with grief. Insurance papers, medical bills. All reminders of what we do not have.

What we do have, though, is hope. We have never lost hope. Even in the darkest of times when we are sobbing with grief, we have hope. While Easter is especially hard for many reasons this year (the fact that this holiday is centered around the death of a son is not lost on us) it is good, too, that we have this reminder of how much God loves us. I understand even more now the pain God endured when he CHOSE to lose his son. For me. For you. I can not fathom making that choice, giving up your perfect son on purpose in order to redeem the sinful, evil, hateful people of the world. It gives me great joy to think on how amazing that depth of love must be (I can not even begin to pretend I could ever love that deeply). It also gives me great sadness to know that another woman lost her son because of how sinful my life is.

We are doing as well as anyone could expect. I think the term "coping with grief" is appropriate. Nothing can make it better, nothing can "cure" it. Nothing can numb the pain. But we learn to cope. And we keep our eyes open for all the beautiful things in this world. In our precious daughter's made up songs, in the beauty that is spring in full bloom, in the people who have loved us so well during our darkest time. Loved us in a way that is surprising and unfathomable. In a way that is much like the way Jesus loved us at Easter.

Jack

December 11, 2013 was the start of the hardest journey Jason and I have ever been on. It was a fun day, Harper had her school's Christmas program that day and that afternoon we were going to get to see our newest little one for the first time and find out if Harper would have a sister or a brother. They figured out pretty quickly that we were having a boy. But soon after that the ultrasound tech told us that something was wrong. I can't remember how she phrased it, only that I felt my heart sink into my feet. It felt like all of the blood drained out of my face. When the doctor came in (not our regular OB, who was not at that office that day) he was very cut and dry. It appeared that our sweet boy was having some growth issues in his limbs. They were sending us to UAB. Less than a week later (though it seemed much longer than that) we headed to UAB and heard relieving news. Though our little one did indeed have smaller limbs everything else looked healthy. A few weeks later we returned for a follow-up ultrasound. The news was not as good. The term they used was "lethal". The long drive from Birmingham back home was torture. Every follow-up ultrasound confirmed the lethal diagnosis. Jack's rib cage wasn't growing enough to allow him to breathe once he was born. It was (and remains) so hard to accept because he was so active and spunky while I was pregnant with him. God blessed us with family and friends (all over the country) who prayed for us and with us and cried with us and loved us so well. This is how we managed to put one foot in front of the other for months. We didn't tell many people about what was going on until just before Jack was born. The reason I write this now is just to share our story and explain a little more about what was going on with Jack. We will meet with the geneticists at UAB in a few months to confirm Jack's diagnosis. They are pretty sure they know what his diagnosis is, but the results of their testing will confirm it. We will not share the specific name of his diagnosis for several reasons. One is that it is not something that could have been prevented, no amount of medical research could stop this or treat this or prevent it. Based on what I know the chances of this occurring are one in 20,000. It is not passed down in families and is not a worry to Harper if she has children. The chances of it occurring again in our family is "nearly zero". But it happened. And our son is not here with us but waiting in Heaven until we are reunited again. He never suffered, never sinned, never knew anything but LOVE. We chose the name Jack Andrew because Jack means God is gracious and Andrew means strength. God has been so gracious to us throughout this  journey and has given us strength unimaginable. We are so  glad to have gotten to spend a precious few hours with Jack and will cherish those memories until we get to see him again.

Of Facebook statuses and resolutions

What I am really really tempted to post today as my status (and nearly almost did):

"Goodbye 2013. Glad to get rid of you."

 It has been a difficult year. Really not the whole year, just the last two months or so. For many reasons which I may or may not share on this blog. All of the reasons this has been a crappy year have to do with the heartache of people I love. But as I was reflecting on the misery that I've seen and experienced this year I realized that I can't say that this whole year was a total wash. In fact, to discount this year would be to miss out on some pretty amazing times. I pinned this pin on Pinterest last year sometime but never did it. I really really wish I had. We already have our mason jar out and ready to fill up with happy memories/blessings/things we are thankful for. To sit and reflect on the goodness of the past year is a great reminder of God's faithfulness to us and helps gives us hope for the future. I also think that compleltely ignoring the bad parts of the year is not good either, as much as I may want to and is in my nature to do so. They happened. Sweeping them under the rug or pretending they don't bother us is not healthy. We go through trials for a reason. Sometimes that reason is not easy to see. Sometimes we don't care what the reason is the trial is so agonizing. I think as Christians sometimes we think we are supposed to act like nothing bothers us and since "it's in God's plan" we can get through anything with a smile on our face. Except that God doesn't make us to be plastic people who don't feel. I love what John Piper says about experiencing feelings of loss near Christmas:
Many of you will feel your loss this Christmas more pointedly than before. Don’t block it out. Let it come. Feel it. What is love for, if not to intensify our affections — both in life and death? But, O, do not be bitter. It is tragically self-destructive to be bitter.
"Don't block it out". I realize there is a fine line between not blocking it out, letting the feelings really come, and being bitter. I think if you don't feel, though, you can't move through it or past it and THAT is when bitterness can really set in. I also think a lot of the bad parts of the year have made me completely reliant on God. This is both scary and relieving.  Jason and I have both come to the realization that one of the trials we are going through is completely beyond our control. We have no choice but to rely on God. And He has already shown his grace through this situation. Jason pointed out so often that we say "we give it up to God" or something to that effect but that in many cases we never actually totally release control.
So to sum up my thoughts on this year...goodbye 2013. You've been one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I hope at the end of every year I can reflect back on that year and see that I lived it well, no matter what kind of a year it was. My resolution for 2014 is to try and continue to glorify God through the valleys and the peaks of life.

Christmas 2013

I am either less wordy lately or have less time. Either way, here is our fabulous Christmas summed up in pictures. We had a very nice time this year and really just enjoyed being together as a family. Sweet Harper kept everyone's thoughts where they should be this time of year: Jesus. As trying as parenthood can be at times, it really does make you much more humble and much more aware of your sinfulness and need for Jesus. This Advent season we were really able to focus on that much more than I have in a long time. Enjoy the pictures.

 Celebrating Christmas at Nonnie and Poppa's house!

 Excited for her Belle crown!

 Harper giving her cousins "the look" when they try to help open her present!

 Nonnie made an AMAZING playhouse for Harper and all the girls enjoyed playing in it! I need to add more pictures of just how beautiful and detailed it is!

 She loves her princess dress and Rapunzel hair, also made by Nonnie!

 Christmas Eve!

 Ribbon dancing. Sometimes you just gotta go where the beat takes you!

 I love this picture because she is totally saying "yes!" and you can tell. She was excited because she thought "Santa brought me baby diapers!" and was relieved to see instead it was a farm. Santa, FYI, did not bring this gift, we got it for her, but she didn't understand that ALL her presents were not from Santa!

 Harper a) loved her new barn and b) decorated it for "Tismas"

 She got a new bathrobe and slippers (not shown) just like mom and dad have!

 Sassy much?

 Loving her new blocks at my parent's house!

 Merry Christmas from the Martins!

Insisting everyone play ring-around-the-rosy!