Hope during healing

"We may ask why brokenness is so often a prelude to the surrender that God seeks, and for the answer, we need to go back again to the Garden. It was there that our human nature was forged. Our natural tendency is always to assert our independence, and seek to determine our own destiny. As we have seen, the consequences of this are grave. God in his wisdom will allow events that will curb our headlong dash for independence. Inevitably, the failure and disappointment of these events will lead to personal brokenness. God chooses not to leave us there, but to draw us back into his presence with his loving kindness, so that he might remake and start to really use us."

From Covenant and Kingdom: The DNA of the Bible by Mike Breen

As we enter this Christmas season we mourn what we do not have but we hope for what is to come. 

Our newest family member is expected to arrive on our 10 year anniversary, May 14, 2015. We are delighted and excited to be able to anticipate and welcome a healthy, baby BOY. Words can not express the joy we feel at the coming of our newest son. At Christmas we are especially grateful for this gift that we have been given that we do not deserve.

 Hello sweet boy!

 Gender reveal for our family

 Action shots

 Look closely, what color do you see?

 Harper excited for another baby brother!

 Take two- we even had Skype going!

 Blue!

 Harper needed hearing protection from the balloon pop!

 Lots of blue!

 It's a boy!

All is calm, all is bright.

It Is Well

(warning: this may be a rambling post. It is 3am. Which makes me think of that Matchbox 20 song. Which was written nearly 20 years ago. Which makes me feel old. And now you see where this post is going!)

It has been quiet for a while on the blog front. Which happens often with this blog, anyway. I guess the big question is "How are we?". Maybe not, but I've had two people ask in the past two days.

We are surviving, we are maintaining, and, at times, we are thriving. I think if there was a piece of advice/helpful words that I received after Jack was born that really stuck with me it was "However you feel is okay. As long as you don't feel like harming yourself or someone else." And I think that is so true. And I really needed to hear it. I tend to push negative feelings down and being given permission to be okay with however I was feeling was good. Healthy. Healing. You feel what you feel. And that is fine for right this moment. There is no Emily Post guide to correct etiquette for mourning your child. I am sure there are a million different books on grief and coping, and I have some. I have yet to read any of them. What I needed to hear was that the heart wrenching, breath stopping, crushing weight of feelings of grief were okay. That was how I felt. Some days I still do. I also needed to know that the anger I felt was okay, too. And the questioning. And the joy. And the lack of feeling altogether. And I think for anyone who is coping with grief they need to know it's okay to own what you are feeling. I think if you become stuck or unable to function even after a long period of time, then you need to seek help in moving through whatever it is. And getting help is okay, too. Jason and I went to counseling before Jack was born to help prepare us for how to cope. (And just let me stand on my soapbox for a moment- I think counseling is a very healthy thing and has somehow become shameful when it should be celebrated and encouraged that someone has recognized that they can't do it alone and are seeking help from a professional!). 

Anyway, I guess the point of this is to say: we are doing well. And by well I really don't mean just surviving. Though that is part of it some days. We are continuing to move forward while keeping precious Jack in our thoughts, conversations, and house daily (see the picture above of the ornament I made so we can see his beautiful face along with Harper's on our Christmas tree). Thinking about the question "how are you" makes me think of the story of Horatio Spafford. If you haven't heard of his story, check it out here. He is the author of the beautiful song "It Is Well With My Soul". When I was pregnant with Jack and even for a few months after his birth I didn't think I'd ever be able to say that what happened was "well with my soul". But I am much closer to that point now than I've ever been. Does that mean if we went back in time and I got to choose the outcome I'd choose the same outcome? No. 

But it does mean that I have accepted what happened, I know that God can use it for good (and already has), and I have peace.