Strength

It is Mother's Day weekend. Today is also Jack's one month birthday.  Mother's Day weekend used to only be a happy time. I never realized how hard this weekend could be for people, not just who have lost a child, but people who long to have children and haven't, people who have lost their mother, and people who don't have a good relationship with their own moms. This weekend I will celebrate getting to be a mom. I can't and won't spend the weekend in mourning. Will I be sad? yes. Will I be thinking about Jack constantly? yes. I have prayed for strength to not only get through this weekend but to enjoy it as much as possible. So far I have been able to enjoy a lot; getting to have Muffins with Mom at Harper's school, visiting with other moms while we watch our kids play at the playground, watching a roomful of kids sing and dance to "Let It Go" from Frozen, and meeting a dear friend for lunch today. My prayer for strength makes me think a lot about various versions of the same phrase that people have said over and over to Jason and I:

"You are a strong person." "You guys are so strong." "I could never do that, you're stronger than me."

Want to know a secret? We are not strong. And when you tell me "I could never do it"...guess what? I said the same thing when I saw other people going through really hard situations "I don't know how they do it, I could never do it". We don't get a choice whether we get to "do it" or not. I would have NEVER labeled myself as someone strong enough to go through the loss of a child. I think of all the instances in the Bible when God chooses people to further his kingdom that no one would have ever picked out as being special or important enough to be chosen by God (even Jesus was not who people would have expected- they expected a king in a palace, not a baby born in a manger!). I say this not to say we are as important as Jesus by any means, but to say that God gives strength to people without any. He values everyone, even the weakest. There is no way I would even be standing right now if it weren't for the strength supplied by God. He put people in our lives who have prayed for us without ceasing, people who have loved us and helped us get through this. He has given us strength that I can only describe as supernatural. The fact that I am still breathing, still standing, still walking around, still able to laugh and smile, points to this supernatural strength. So while we may seem strong, please know that we are weak and broken people. Who have been blessed with strength unimaginable by God, not from ourselves.

Heard this on the way home from lunch today and thought it was appropriate for this blog post!

One week

A week ago today we got to meet our sweet Jack. A week ago today we said goodbye to sweet Jack.

I am sitting here at our dining room table. Decorated for Easter. It seems strange to have eggs and bunnies and flowers now. I am sure anyone who has experienced a loss can testify that it is magnified around a holiday. But right now the loss is so fresh, it is even stranger to have the contrast between the deep feelings of grief and the happy pastels of this holiday.

Our table is also strewn with papers. Mail yet to be opened that collected while we were at the hospital. "Recommended Resources" on coping with grief, on helping your children cope with grief. Insurance papers, medical bills. All reminders of what we do not have.

What we do have, though, is hope. We have never lost hope. Even in the darkest of times when we are sobbing with grief, we have hope. While Easter is especially hard for many reasons this year (the fact that this holiday is centered around the death of a son is not lost on us) it is good, too, that we have this reminder of how much God loves us. I understand even more now the pain God endured when he CHOSE to lose his son. For me. For you. I can not fathom making that choice, giving up your perfect son on purpose in order to redeem the sinful, evil, hateful people of the world. It gives me great joy to think on how amazing that depth of love must be (I can not even begin to pretend I could ever love that deeply). It also gives me great sadness to know that another woman lost her son because of how sinful my life is.

We are doing as well as anyone could expect. I think the term "coping with grief" is appropriate. Nothing can make it better, nothing can "cure" it. Nothing can numb the pain. But we learn to cope. And we keep our eyes open for all the beautiful things in this world. In our precious daughter's made up songs, in the beauty that is spring in full bloom, in the people who have loved us so well during our darkest time. Loved us in a way that is surprising and unfathomable. In a way that is much like the way Jesus loved us at Easter.

Jack

December 11, 2013 was the start of the hardest journey Jason and I have ever been on. It was a fun day, Harper had her school's Christmas program that day and that afternoon we were going to get to see our newest little one for the first time and find out if Harper would have a sister or a brother. They figured out pretty quickly that we were having a boy. But soon after that the ultrasound tech told us that something was wrong. I can't remember how she phrased it, only that I felt my heart sink into my feet. It felt like all of the blood drained out of my face. When the doctor came in (not our regular OB, who was not at that office that day) he was very cut and dry. It appeared that our sweet boy was having some growth issues in his limbs. They were sending us to UAB. Less than a week later (though it seemed much longer than that) we headed to UAB and heard relieving news. Though our little one did indeed have smaller limbs everything else looked healthy. A few weeks later we returned for a follow-up ultrasound. The news was not as good. The term they used was "lethal". The long drive from Birmingham back home was torture. Every follow-up ultrasound confirmed the lethal diagnosis. Jack's rib cage wasn't growing enough to allow him to breathe once he was born. It was (and remains) so hard to accept because he was so active and spunky while I was pregnant with him. God blessed us with family and friends (all over the country) who prayed for us and with us and cried with us and loved us so well. This is how we managed to put one foot in front of the other for months. We didn't tell many people about what was going on until just before Jack was born. The reason I write this now is just to share our story and explain a little more about what was going on with Jack. We will meet with the geneticists at UAB in a few months to confirm Jack's diagnosis. They are pretty sure they know what his diagnosis is, but the results of their testing will confirm it. We will not share the specific name of his diagnosis for several reasons. One is that it is not something that could have been prevented, no amount of medical research could stop this or treat this or prevent it. Based on what I know the chances of this occurring are one in 20,000. It is not passed down in families and is not a worry to Harper if she has children. The chances of it occurring again in our family is "nearly zero". But it happened. And our son is not here with us but waiting in Heaven until we are reunited again. He never suffered, never sinned, never knew anything but LOVE. We chose the name Jack Andrew because Jack means God is gracious and Andrew means strength. God has been so gracious to us throughout this  journey and has given us strength unimaginable. We are so  glad to have gotten to spend a precious few hours with Jack and will cherish those memories until we get to see him again.

Of Facebook statuses and resolutions

What I am really really tempted to post today as my status (and nearly almost did):

"Goodbye 2013. Glad to get rid of you."

 It has been a difficult year. Really not the whole year, just the last two months or so. For many reasons which I may or may not share on this blog. All of the reasons this has been a crappy year have to do with the heartache of people I love. But as I was reflecting on the misery that I've seen and experienced this year I realized that I can't say that this whole year was a total wash. In fact, to discount this year would be to miss out on some pretty amazing times. I pinned this pin on Pinterest last year sometime but never did it. I really really wish I had. We already have our mason jar out and ready to fill up with happy memories/blessings/things we are thankful for. To sit and reflect on the goodness of the past year is a great reminder of God's faithfulness to us and helps gives us hope for the future. I also think that compleltely ignoring the bad parts of the year is not good either, as much as I may want to and is in my nature to do so. They happened. Sweeping them under the rug or pretending they don't bother us is not healthy. We go through trials for a reason. Sometimes that reason is not easy to see. Sometimes we don't care what the reason is the trial is so agonizing. I think as Christians sometimes we think we are supposed to act like nothing bothers us and since "it's in God's plan" we can get through anything with a smile on our face. Except that God doesn't make us to be plastic people who don't feel. I love what John Piper says about experiencing feelings of loss near Christmas:
Many of you will feel your loss this Christmas more pointedly than before. Don’t block it out. Let it come. Feel it. What is love for, if not to intensify our affections — both in life and death? But, O, do not be bitter. It is tragically self-destructive to be bitter.
"Don't block it out". I realize there is a fine line between not blocking it out, letting the feelings really come, and being bitter. I think if you don't feel, though, you can't move through it or past it and THAT is when bitterness can really set in. I also think a lot of the bad parts of the year have made me completely reliant on God. This is both scary and relieving.  Jason and I have both come to the realization that one of the trials we are going through is completely beyond our control. We have no choice but to rely on God. And He has already shown his grace through this situation. Jason pointed out so often that we say "we give it up to God" or something to that effect but that in many cases we never actually totally release control.
So to sum up my thoughts on this year...goodbye 2013. You've been one I wouldn't wish on anyone. I hope at the end of every year I can reflect back on that year and see that I lived it well, no matter what kind of a year it was. My resolution for 2014 is to try and continue to glorify God through the valleys and the peaks of life.

Christmas 2013

I am either less wordy lately or have less time. Either way, here is our fabulous Christmas summed up in pictures. We had a very nice time this year and really just enjoyed being together as a family. Sweet Harper kept everyone's thoughts where they should be this time of year: Jesus. As trying as parenthood can be at times, it really does make you much more humble and much more aware of your sinfulness and need for Jesus. This Advent season we were really able to focus on that much more than I have in a long time. Enjoy the pictures.

 Celebrating Christmas at Nonnie and Poppa's house!

 Excited for her Belle crown!

 Harper giving her cousins "the look" when they try to help open her present!

 Nonnie made an AMAZING playhouse for Harper and all the girls enjoyed playing in it! I need to add more pictures of just how beautiful and detailed it is!

 She loves her princess dress and Rapunzel hair, also made by Nonnie!

 Christmas Eve!

 Ribbon dancing. Sometimes you just gotta go where the beat takes you!

 I love this picture because she is totally saying "yes!" and you can tell. She was excited because she thought "Santa brought me baby diapers!" and was relieved to see instead it was a farm. Santa, FYI, did not bring this gift, we got it for her, but she didn't understand that ALL her presents were not from Santa!

 Harper a) loved her new barn and b) decorated it for "Tismas"

 She got a new bathrobe and slippers (not shown) just like mom and dad have!

 Sassy much?

 Loving her new blocks at my parent's house!

 Merry Christmas from the Martins!

Insisting everyone play ring-around-the-rosy!

Harperisms 2013 3.0

Being 3 means you are an expert on everything (in case you didn't know that). It also means you start using crazy big vocabulary (apparently).  Here goes!

1) Harper (talking about her stuffed animal lizard): "Pasquale wakes up when the sun rises to the glory of the day".
Seriously guys, I have never in my life used the phrase "glory of the day" although it has a nice ring to it. She has said this phrase about the sun rise several times since then, too!

2) "English alumni"
(!?!?!?!?)

3) While jumping in the bounce house at her school's fall festival (I have a picture of the exact moment she said this, too!) "I rockin' out!".

4) While pretending to cook in her pretend "restaraunt": "Would you like a carrot or a mushroom mama?" Me: I would like a carrot. HG: "We don't have carrots or mushrooms. You would like an orange." Sadly, some fast food places often make me feel like this!!!

5) "What are taxes for?"....no comment little one!

3rd birthday- Girly Farm Party!

We had a lovely time celebrating my favorite three year old! She loves animals and had recently (okay 6 months ago) become obsessed with pony rides. When I found out that Jubilee Farm was just a few minutes from our house I knew that would be the perfect place to celebrate Harper! We couldn't have asked for more perfect weather the day of her party! There was a little something for everyone to do which meant everyone had a great time!

The food. You know I took lots of pictures of the food.

Jason is actually a better photographer and you'll see his food pics in a bit.

Harper got to lead the smallest pony around the farm like a dog!

Brushing the pony.

This is my favorite picture of the day. I guess because it captures the fun/excitement!

Cheesing it up on the pony! She had such a good time!

Harper got new cowgirl boots just for her party!

All the kids enjoyed playing in the hay wagon!

She was having the best time. I promise. Not sure where the fake-y smile came from!

Harper's baby cousins even enjoyed the party!

Petting what I thought was a baby goat. Maybe just a mini goat?

Harper loved the 'petting zoo' area!

Highly recommend these folks. They were so nice and the party was a blast!

We loved getting to celebrate our big girl!

Loved the ponies!

Seriously!

Hay ride!

Feeding the llamas (alpacas?) on the hay ride.

We had a lot of Harper's favorite foods, plus some fall favorites.

Chicken fingers, fruit, veggies, fried apple pies, pigs in a blanket...

Precious farm animal cupcakes and in the background, pink chocolate dipped marshmallows! 

Pink lemonade and bottled water. Harper loves anything pink!

The whole food table.

It was too windy to actually keep the candle lit so we just pretended. Good thing she really just wanted to eat the cupcake anyway!

All the kids favorite part of the cupcake were the fondant farm animal faces! (No, I did NOT make the cupcakes...I do not have that kind of time, patience, or skill set!)

Treat bags in bandanas. I was excited to find some girly bandanas!

It really was an amazingly fun day! Harper is still talking about it and I know she felt so loved. It was fun to get to see all her friends enjoy themselves. It was neat to see their different personalities, too. Some loved the tractor, some loved the ponies, some wanted to just watch the animals but not touch, some wanted to be in the barn to pet all the animals the whole time! Thanks to everyone who came out to help us celebrate!