Ten Years

 When I think about how much life has happened in the past ten years, from losing loved ones, walking with friends through hard medical diagnoses or difficult relationships, a global pandemic, new life (including Hendrix being born!), new jobs, new successes and failures- it makes the reality of 10 years without Jack seem more real. But when so much has changed God never changes .("I the Lord do not change. So you, the descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed." Malachi 3:6). 

I chose this picture because we all have joy in it. Harper is delighting in showing her baby brother the toy she has. It is as normal a picture for the birth of a child as ever there could be. One might not guess that we three all knew we wouldn't get to bring Jack home. How did we have joy in that moment? How could we have made it ten years walking this road of pain? Douglas McKelvey in Every Moment Holy (Volume II) describes it this way "So we will weep for what was lost, and we will weep for what will never be, as the seasons wheel and wheel and wheel, and we grow slowly older in our grieving." We have pressed forward and continued on only because of God. 

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4 

Even as the seasons 'wheel and wheel and wheel' God fights for us (me, you, all of us) when we can barely even fight for ourselves. He is always with us and he comforts us. He is steady and unchanging. 

So what if you are in a hard hard place today and you don't necessarily feel held by God or that you can even trust that His plan is "perfect" because your circumstances are not what anyone would describe as perfect or good? What if you feel wounded and uncertain and untrusting? Feeling all of this is normal. Jesus felt all of this and more as he wept on the cross and suffered for all of us. So when you are in a hard place know that Jesus felt it and he suffered too. He understands. So until you feel like you are in a place where you can accept God's lordship, his "perfect plan", you can know you in solidarity with Christ in your suffering and hardship. 

As I've said in the past, we have been able to see the glimpses of God's plan and the good that has come from our suffering. And so as more time passes we see more of God's plan for Jack's life unfold. And that takes away some of the wounding and the mistrust. We were (and still are!) also fortunate to have had people come along side of us in prayer and fellowship and speak truth to us and also let us feel what we needed to feel. If you are feeling alone in your grief or suffering please don't hesitate to reach out to me or someone else in your life. Having people coming alongside you in these hard moments is such a blessing. We were created to walk through life together!

And as always, if you should feel led to give in memory of Jack's life that is one way we honor him each year. 

Donate to Big House

Our mission is to connect the needs of foster families with the generosity of the community through the love of Jesus Christ. We aim to impact the lives of children in foster care in a positive way through meeting their needs and serving their foster families. We are passionate about advocating for these families and educating the community on the needs of children in the foster care system. 

Donate to the Food Bank

The mission of the Food Bank of East Alabama is to nourish lives through a strong and equitable hunger relief network while multiplying the generosity of a caring community.

Our vision is inspiring and engaging our community to end hunger.

And one more note to anyone still reading. Ten years feels like a good time to officially sign off on yearly posts. Should I feel led to continue I will certainly do so but have no expectation as to frequency, etc. Please know if you are reading this you are loved and valued and have worth no matter your circumstances!

9 Years

 The first thought I had as I sat down to reflect on Jack's life and our life since his birth and death was "I share the same picture every year". But that is the reality of our situation. We have a finite number of pictures of Jack. 

But then, we ALL have a finite number of pictures, we ALL have a finite time here on Earth. So we should live our lives in light of eternity. Our focus and priority should be living a life that honors and points people to God. It is so easy in our busy world to walk through day after day after day with intention of doing this but thinking 'I can do that tomorrow'. I know I can certainly get in the mode of nose to the grindstone, go go go and forget to look up and look around and SEE the people around me.

 Losing a child continues to impact our lives daily. I love the way it is described in Every Moment Holy Volume II: 

"You have left in my heart 

a hole as wide 

as the world, my child, 

and as long as the rest of my life." 

Yet now, 9 years later, we can see small ways how God is using Jack's life and death for HIS good. We will not know, this side of eternity, the why behind this but we do know that Jack's life is not wasted. And he has had more of an impact in this world and in our lives than many people who live to adulthood. I hope today that hearing that does not make you feel guilty or anxious but gives you hope. If God can use our grief and use the short life of a little baby to impact the world then he can certainly use your life as well! He desires to do so!

One way we remember Jack's life is through doing things in his memory that impact children and families in our area. Two organizations that are close to our heart are the Big House Foundation and the  Food Bank of East Alabama. Descriptions and links to donate if you feel led to do so are below:

Donate to Big House

"Our mission is to connect the needs of foster families with the generosity of the community through the love of Jesus Christ. We aim to impact the lives of children in foster care in a positive way through meeting their needs and serving their foster families. We are passionate about advocating for these families and educating the community on the needs of children in the foster care system."

Donate to Food Bank

"The mission of the Food Bank of East Alabama is to nourish lives through a strong and equitable hunger relief network while multiplying the generosity of a caring community.

Our vision is inspiring and engaging our community to end hunger."

* Eight *

When Harper turned eight (which seems like just last year!) I remember it hitting me hard, for some reason eight years old just seems so...old. Maybe because that is the point in my own life where I can remember large chunks of time and very detailed memories instead of vague or scattered ones. It is hard for me to believe that it has been 8 years since we met and said goodbye to Jack. Loss is such a strange marker of time, for some days the sadness you experience makes it seem like it has only been a brief time, yet time and life continued on and so here we are EIGHT years later. In my experience the sting of the pain of loss lessens with time but the sadness of what could have been still lingers. And this is normal. Jack was greatly loved and so he is greatly missed. This year I've been even more aware that we all struggle, our struggles all just look different and some (like losing Jack) might be more public but WE ALL STRUGGLE. And if you think you are the only one and you are reading this feeling alone or ashamed please know that in this day of constant highlight reels on social media you are not alone. Behind ALL of those smiling faces are hurt. 

Gee Meredith, what a way to lift us all up, right?

Well, I do in fact have a reason for pointing out the great shared human condition of suffering. Which I promise I will get to. In past blog posts remembering Jack and his life I have talked about the many ways in which God provided for us during that time through friends, prayers, peace unimaginable...and if you haven't ever read those you are welcome to go back to April of 2014 and read them all. This year, however, I feel a sense of urgency to tell you about God himself and to implore you to examine Him more closely if you do not have a relationship with Him, or even if you do and life or people or the church have turned you away. Why do I have this sense of urgency this year? I think in part because over the past couple of years I have lost friends and family well before their time on this earth should have been up (or at least what our ideas of lifespan should be). 

Death will make you have a sense of urgency about life. 

I don't want you to follow Jesus because I think He has a heavenly excel spreadsheet and I want more tally marks in my column, this isn't social media, the more "followers" I get doesn't equal a better place in heaven for me. And to be honest I don't want you to follow Jesus because I don't want to be without you when I go to heaven (although I do want you to be there!). I want you to examine a relationship with Jesus more closely because life with Him is so much sweeter and better and though the pain and suffering will still come He walks with you through it. And mostly I want you to follow Jesus because I truly believe He is worthy of our praise. He doesn't NEED it. But He delights in it. He was willing to take our shame and our suffering through death on the cross because he loved us in the most pure example of love you can ever encounter. He was not afraid of what anyone would think, He was not ashamed of us- He was not ashamed of me or you. He. Loves. You. I know that there may have been things in your life that have caused you to question that. But while life spent worshipping God is never promised to be easy I promise that He does love you. Even if you have rejected Him. Even if you don't believe in Him. You are still dearly loved. And you are worthy of that love BECAUSE of what has already happened, because Jesus unashamedly went to the cross and was raised from dead to life. 

But, as LeVar Burton used to say on Reading Rainbow, "You don't have to take my word for it". I want YOU to examine who Jesus truly is. I want you to learn for yourself about this love that is unlike any other. I want you to experience it for yourself. One resource I would recommend is Lee Strobel's book The Case for Christ. I have a copy you can borrow or you can always check out Amazon. Today, as we remember Jack, I want you know how much we love him. Even though he was here on this earth for a short time he is still so loved. And if we, in our sinful hearts, can love our son who we knew only briefly, this much, image how much our heavenly Father loves YOU to send His son to die for you. In this life of darkness and suffering my prayer is that you can find the light and hope of Jesus. 

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;

those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone."

-Isaiah 9:2

As always, for Jack's birthday, we want to encourage you to give back as a way to celebrate Jack's life. 

Each year our family purchases swimsuits and towels to donate to the Big House Foundation's Swimsuit and Towel drive. These go to children in foster care and the towels are monogramed, which is a big deal as many children in foster care do not have much that is their very own! More information on that here.

An organization that we haven't mentioned before but have known for many many years is MDI (Missions Developmental International). This group mentors and equips ministry leaders around the world. Specifically- they have a number of ministry partners in Ukraine and have a link for specific giving to bring emergency resources, care, and support to children, women, the elderly, men, and families traumatized by the devastating war in Ukraine here.

S*E*V*E*N

 

Dear Jack,

It is hard to believe we have been without you for 7 years. SEVEN! You continue to be in our thoughts and conversations daily. And God continues to use your short life to shape our lives into something more meaningful. 

We love you!

Mommy, Daddy, Harper, and Hendrix

Each year I feel like God uses Jack's life to teach me very specific lessons  I need in my life. This year He has reminded me just how blessed and thankful I am for "my people". In a year that has left us all feeling a little more isolated and alone I am beyond grateful that God has given me such a tribe of people. When you are through the hard seasons and can look back it is so sweet to see how God was orchestrating things for years and years. When I went to college I literally knew no one else there. It was a huge leap of faith going. But God used that season to meet me where I was, draw me close to Him, and give me a group of faithful friends that covered me in prayer, supported me from near and far, and kept my eyes on Jesus during the hardest season of my life. 

When Jason and I moved to Auburn we searched for a church community that felt like home to us. When we found it, once again, we knew no one there. But God gave us so many people that helped us learn how to transition from newly weds to more mature believers to parents. So many of them sat with us during our hardest days and "stood in the gap" while we couldn't stand. Their steadiness and faithfulness held us through those dark days. 

When Jason and I felt it was God's timing to move our family once again we had originally pictured living on a larger lot or on some land. Away from people. But God instead gave us a neighborhood full of people. And over the past year especially have those people become like family. When we couldn't GO anywhere we could go outside and be with our neighbors. We have formed such sweet relationships with many of them, sharing in countless meals, lots of fun, and although most of them never knew us "pre Jack" we have walked through painful experiences together over the past year especially. 

I can go on and on. My sweet former coworkers that brought a deep freezer full of meals before Jack was born. My current coworkers that pray with each other or for each other before particularly hard situations. There are SO many ways God has blessed us through people. He did not create us to live life alone. He created us for community. If you have not found your community, take heart. God is with you. And if he is with you then "who can be against you?" (Romans 8:31). Cling to Him. Trust Him. We all are going to go through incredibly hard seasons of life. But God. He will not ever leave you. If you have been "burned" by people or have difficulty trusting people just keep your eyes on Jesus. He will lead you to your tribe, the community He so desires for you. If you need me to stand in the gap for you please contact me. I would love to do that. You are worthy of being loved!

As always, we want to continue to celebrate Jack's life by giving back. 

We love the Big House Foundation and their Swimsuit and Towel drive is going on until April 30. If you can't drop off a swimsuit or towel locally then you can donate on their website.

Donate to Big House here 

Another organization that is near and dear to our heart is Women's Hope Medical Clinic. They offer compassionate and life affirming care for women in crisis pregnancies.

Donate to Women's Hope here

Good Friday

       This year has not turned out as I had planned. Much like 2014. Except this time we are ALL in this together. And the losses I am feeling are not so deep for me personally. But that doesn't make our collective experience any less painful. But it also doesn't diminish the renewed hope I found in 2014. All of this disruption to our plans...it is SO reminiscent of our life in 2014. What God's plans were and what my plans were were vastly different. I keep waiting for the world to go back to normal but just like in 2014 the idea of normal has forever changed. And although MY plans would never include the death of my child or a global pandemic, the things I have learned and the person I have become during the transition to this "new normal" are not something I want to erase. I've grown and stretched beyond myself and God has allowed this to draw me closer to him once again.

 

On April 10, 2014, at 2:31 in the morning, Jack Andrew Martin was born. Our lives were forever changed that day, as life always is with the birth of a child, but saying hello and goodbye at the same time changes you in a different way. BUT, even there in that hospital room holding my child that would never be able to come home with us, God was with us. He was drawing us near. He overwhelmed us with peace in that room. He carried us during the moments we couldn't move on our own. We were not left alone. And God continues to cling to us and draw near to us even SIX years after Jack's birth and death. He gives us precious family and friends who include Jack and remember Jack in so many beautiful ways. I've included two pictures that I received within the last year that include Jack's bear. The sweet gift that the hospital gave us that we cherish even 6 years later. 

 I am thankful for talented friends...

 ...and family! This is all of the grandchildren (including Jack's bear!)

This year Jack's birthday falls on Good Friday. The commemoration of Jesus' death and Jack's birth and death fall on the same day. And of all days we Christians call it "Good" Friday. But I love what Jay Wolf (author of Hope Heals along with his wife Katherine) has to say about this day "If the day Jesus died was eventually called "good" then maybe one day our worst days will be called "good" too." And 6 years after Jack I can certainly call it good. Meeting my son, holding him, kissing him, and knowing God's presence during all of it was so good. God has made something broken into something beautiful. He healed Jack and healed us as well. He did not leave us or fail us. He loved us enough to allow us to meet our beautiful child, he surrounded us with the love of family and friends, and so many people have done so many good things in our world in honor of Jack's life. And on this Good Friday we have the special reminder that we are not Friday people- we are Sunday people! We do not stay and wallow in the sadness of Good Friday- we move forward and we rejoice in the celebration of the empty tomb! In the Risen Savior! In the son that is healed and whole and safe! So if you are in a Friday place in your life, just keep going, keep moving towards Sunday. Because Sunday is coming and it will be beautiful!

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

-1 Peter 5:10

As always we encourage people to do something GOOD today in honor of Jack's life. In the time of quarantine that may look a little different this year. Write someone a letter, send someone a fun happy mail, or donate to the Big House Foundation. We love what Big House does to support foster children and families in our area and each year we donate to their swimsuit and towel drive. This year they are having a fundraiser for their very own building- a place of retreat for foster families. You can donate to that HERE.

Another local agency that is near and dear to our hearts and will be impacted by the current financial crisis is our local food bank. We encourage you to donate to the Food Bank of East Alabama or to your local food bank. With children having to stay home many of them are missing out on their breakfast and lunches that were provided for free at school. 

Harper is 9!

Dear Harper,

Well, I am 9 years into being a mom (thanks to you!) and here is what I've learned so far: it doesn't get easier! You are the most amazing girl and I am so thankful I get to be your mom! I think before you were born I had so many ideas of how amazing I'd be and how perfectly this all would go and I'm continually being humbled the farther along I go in this motherhood journey. And that is OKAY! I think making mistakes and being human and owning up to those mistakes to you will help you truly understand what grace and mercy really look like.

We have battled more in the past year than probably in the other years combined. And I know it is because of this strange in between world we live in where you are growing up and becoming independent but where I am still responsible for your safety and your upbringing. You are SO bright and SO kind and SO independent but you are still not ready to be fully independent and make all of your own choices...even though I know you disagree!
I am so thankful for your desire to be independent and I know it will serve you well once you actually are an adult. I am thankful for sweet friends who are ahead of me on this motherhood journey who speak truth about their experiences- but do so in a way that encourages me and excites me for what is to come!

Harper- in all of my wildest dreams and deepest worries about becoming a mother I could never have imagined having such a beautiful soul to shepherd into adulthood. God literally gave me both a miniature version of myself and the best version of myself I could ever hope for in you. It is sometimes painful to watch you struggle the same struggles I had or make the same mistakes I made BUT every single day I have the joy of watching your precious, tender heart grow and care for others. Every day on the way to school you ask to pray for someone who is sick or hurting or struggling or just needs a friend. And every single day you show great compassion for life- both human and animal. You have so much more patience than I do for the dogs, the fish, your brother...and I'm thankful for your life as a reminder of WHY I get out of bed each morning and march forward.

Harper- so much time has passed (in your short life) that you may not remember but for four and a half years you were my buddy- we had each other and that was that! I know for almost two years of that I was pregnant and tired and sad. But you brought joy to our lives that would not have been possible if it weren't for YOU! No matter how frustrated I get at you or how annoyed you get at me, just remember- there is only one you! And you were created for a purpose in this life! And you have already been fulfilling that purpose by bringing JOY to the hearts of SO many! As you continue to grow up and continue to become more independent I am praying that you continue to see your worth and your purpose. Because God has called us to SO much and he doesn't have a plan B. YOU are his plan A. And you are capable of the great calling He has put on your life! Harper, you will do amazing things and I am so thankful I get to be a participant in this wild ride! Always keep your enthusiasm for life, always keep your sparkle! From the moment you were born we saw a fire in your eyes and I know that will take you far!
I love you!
-Mom

When tacky day is on your birthday mom makes sure to get a picture on picture day instead!

 

 Harper got to have solve a mystery with her cousins this year for her birthday!

They all enjoyed figuring out clues and getting a finders fee at the end!

Five Long Years

    
     Today we celebrate Jack's 5th birthday. Jack's birthday is a hard day because it was the day we met him but also the day we said goodbye. Such a mix of joy and sorrow all rolled into one day. It has been five years since we got to meet our second child, our first boy, the child that only ever knew love. It seems like SO much longer than that but also like it was yesterday all at the same time.

     This year was especially difficult- in the past Jason and I have felt a calling of what to do to commemorate Jack's day and remember him. But this year I just didn't have a sense as to WHAT to do on his actual birthday this year. And I'm thankful for a sweet friend who speaks truth into my life frequently who told me "that's a pretty typical 5 year old birthday- at that point in their life things get busy and it kind of sneaks up on you!". And boy is that ever true. And I know grief and remembrance look different every year. So for this year his birthday looks different than it did in years past. But that doesn't make it wrong or not special. If you are grieving I want you to know that whatever you are feeling in this moment is what you are "supposed" to feel. Expectations you put on yourself or others put on you are just those- expectations and not reality. Grief is such an odd thing in that it ebbs and flows and changes shape and sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And the reality of it is we remember Jack every day and honor him, not just on his birthday. We have his pictures up around the house that we see every day, we talk about him daily, Harper and Hendrix love to talk about where he would sit in the shopping cart if he were there with us (and they also love to argue about it- which I love because Jack is even part of silly sibling arguments!).  And while I struggle that Jack's birthday this year may feel more like a "normal" day than in years past I also know so will Hendrix's this year and so will Harper's. They will go to school and we will go to work but then we will come together as a family and celebrate. And it will be wonderful and special and ordinary all at the same time.

     This year we found out that the children's favorite singer, TobyMac, was coming to a city near us the weekend before Jack's birthday. So we decided to spend a weekend there and surprise them with the concert. The concert was in Birmingham where Jack was born. On the drive up on Saturday I realized how redemptive this trip felt. Here we were as a family making the same drive we did many times to go see the doctors and specialists at UAB. The same drive we made sobbing in shock after being told we would never take our baby home. The same drive we made feeling like we were driving to our doom to deliver Jack. And the same, lonely drive we made after he was born, wishing things were not the way they were. But Saturday was different. It was a pretty day, though overcast at times, and we were headed towards a fun adventure in the very same city. And 5 years ago I had no idea what fun family adventures would look like after losing our child.

     Although we have been to Birmingham several times since Jack's birth this trip felt different. We were making memories as a family and doing it in memory and honor of Jack. God is so sweet in his care for us. Giving us this redeeming trip. And just like so much of our experience with Jack God continues to shine through all the bad. He redeemed all of those horrible trips up to Birmingham with a wonderful one. This is no way erasing what happened or taking place of our sweet Jack. But God used this trip to remind me that He has redeemed ME. No matter the mistakes, struggles, doubts I have God has covered it all with Jesus. Jack's birthday and Easter always fall near each other and I so appreciate that each year. We have a savior who willingly died for us. To redeem us. To redeem the horrible, dark places in our life- whether they are there by our actions or through no fault of our own. There is a God who loves us all SO much that he is in the HUGE parts of our lives (like the death of a child) and in the tiniest parts, too. Before the concert we went to the Botanical Gardens and both children were getting tired. Harper wanted to sit on a swing and complained that all of the swings were full. We finally came to an empty one and sat down together as a family. And just enjoyed some moments of stillness and peace in the very busy gardens. And then I looked over where the children were playing and the sign said "Little Ones Memory Garden". It almost took my breath away. Here we were, on a trip to celebrate the life of our tiny little one, in a garden that is describe as having "elements of gardens and of nature come together to help heal the grief caused by the loss of a love one, such as a child". God is so sweet in the way he weaves our stories. Through our pain and heartbreak he has led us closer to him. And he led us to this garden that day. To give us peace. And remind us that he cares for us in these sweet, small ways.

 

If you look closely you can see the sign for the Memory Garden.

 

 Two of our sweet blessings that we love exploring with.

 

Sitting on the swing in the Memory Garden

 

Enjoying a beautiful spring day in Birmingham, just like the day Jack was born.

 

All of us on the Memory Garden swing.

  

Love these three!

 So excited for the concert!

If you find yourself in one of life's storms please know that things will get better. You may always feel the loss or the grief but you will also continue to feel joy and have things to hope for. Find people you can talk with that will love you and listen to you and who will put up with the ever changing face of grief. If you don't have a person like that and need one I would be happy to listen to you. The reminder of God's goodness and our redemption through Jesus that this trip gave me brings to mind these verses from Isaiah 44: 22-23 

"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, O heavens, for the Lord has done this; shout aloud, O  earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel."

So even on hard days we will burst into song and declare the goodness of God. It isn't always easy. But it is always true.

Each year our family chooses to honor Jack's life by supporting organizations in our community that support children. As most of you know this year an EF-4 tornado destroyed a community just a few miles from our home. So many precious lives were lost and so many people lost everything. Several families in our church were directly impacted, both by loss of family members and loss of property. Below is a link to donate towards helping those families if you feel led to do so. An 11 year old girl from our church lost her father, future step mother, and best friend in the tornadoes and was badly injured. If you select 'chose fund' and 'Grimes family' any contribution you make will go directly to helping Kayla and her family. 

Grimes family fund 

In addition if you are interested in other ways to help our community this website has a pretty comprehensive list of ways to help.  Thank you for honoring Jack's memory in this way.

Love Lee County