Three

Watch this video first!

Today Jack would be 3. THREE. These have been the fastest three years of my life. Only recently did I finally put his shadow box together. Before I get into my feelings and thoughts on this day I want you to watch the video linked above. I LOVE this video on grief that John Piper did. Especially these words: 

"Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he's given you."

Perfect summary of my feelings about Jack. When I mention him or post things about him it is not to draw sympathy, though that is often the reaction from others. And please know I don't think that reaction is wrong. Your feelings are your feelings. But I need you to know that when I bring Jack up it is usually not from a place of pain or sorrow. Though of course I feel those, too. It is usually from a place of hope. I am so amazed at what God has done through Jack's short life and what God has done in MY life in the 3 years since Jack died. Though I'd never choose to lose a child, I trust God and have seen the beautiful things he has done through such pain. I'm embracing the life that I've been given. I am thankful for the new life God gave us in Hendrix and I'm thankful for the deepening of Harper's faith through losing her brother. Yes, losing Jack was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I don't need pity or tears about it. I need you to see the beautiful things God has done through his life. I need you to see that even in the darkest hour there is a God who weeps with you and draws you close and holds you tight. And I need you to know that the sun rises the next day and life goes on, not just goes on, but life becomes beautiful again. 

I also like Piper's video because of the word "occasionally". Meaning, grief will ebb and flow. I will never "get over" losing Jack. What parent could pretend their child never existed? There will be days when the 'what ifs' get hard again and the tears come. We talk about Jack daily still. Even after three years. He is a part of our family. His little brother learned to say "Dack" pretty early on and regards Jack's bear as a highly valued treasure. So don't think eventually I will stop talking about him or stop pointing people to God, the one who created every tiny part of Jack. Getting over "it" is not happening. The key, though, is that last line "Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he's given you." You can't stay in the place of weeping forever. Embrace the new life. Focus on the ones God puts before you. It is possible to do that without forgetting the ones that are gone.

Happy birthday, Jack. We love you far more than I could ever express in words. We know you live in a land of perpetual celebration and are thankful for the hope of being reunited one day!

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

My favorite photo of all time.

I can't wait to find a place of honor to display this in the new house! Jack's hat knit by a friend of my moms, his blanket knit by my sister, his first and only diaper, his beautiful gown they gave him at the hospital, his hospital bracelet, and his hand and foot prints. 

To honor Jack's life our family likes to do something each year to help children in our community. Here are some of our favorite ways to do this and we'd encourage you to donate as well!

BigHouse Foundation- dedicated to meeting the needs and improving the quality of life for children in foster care. They have a swim suit and towel drive each spring. Read more about that here.

Sonshine Day Camps- A ministry of Alabama Rural Ministry (ARM) the camps are the primary way ARM bears witness to the love of God through academic enrichment and Christian education to children. It is also one of the ways ARM builds relationships that overcome cultural, racial and age barriers. In the rural communities where ARM serves, children often have very few opportunities for organized activities during the summer. Many of their schools communities are under-resourced and struggle to prepare them academically. In some cases, their home environments are tense and difficult to manage for various reasons. At day camp, ARM wants to create a fun, safe, caring space for kids to know and feel God’s love while being enriched in their reading and writing.

Donate here.

Junior League of Lee County- This organization helps better the health and wellness of the children of Lee County in so many ways, from a backpack program that provides food over the weekends to children on the free lunch program to volunteering with after school programs mentoring girls from at risk areas. To donate click here.

6!

Poor Harper. She hasn't gotten a post lately. Really, poor blog, I haven't posted in forever. Thankfully the blog isn't a person and I'm totally fine with living life and not worrying about updating the blog. However, I do love that it is here for posterity's sake and it helps my poor mommy brain remember sweet things that I otherwise wouldn't (I've actually referenced our blog multiple times in the past 2-3 months so I can compare Harper and Hendrix). Anyway...Harper turned 6 yesterday! It is getting harder and harder to put into words what I feel for my precious girl. Literally since she was born I've felt she was just too good to be true (I know a lot of parents must feel this way but I KNOW it is true). That doesn't mean that I think she's never done anything wrong or that she is perfect, but I can see what an amazing creator God is when I look at her. He designed her so special and unique and I love getting to watch her life unfold.
Harper started kindergarten in August and it is so amazing to see how much she has 'grown up' since then. If nothing else, kindergarten has promoted such independence in my sweet girl. Independence in thoughts, in life skills, in her ability to verbally work through things...so amazing! She is also reading a little now (though she still says she "can't read") and writing sentences that we can actually read, now! The other day she wrote "Hannah went to the zu"! I love watching her learn and love that she is continuing her zeal for learning. That was my goal for her in kindergarten, just that she would continue to love to learn. We were blessed with the sweetest teacher who does such a great job of teaching the children based on their interests and ideas.
Harper also continues to have such a kind heart. Yesterday, on her birthday, she woke up to her brother crying (he had gotten in trouble) and she came out because she said "I heard his hurt or scared cry and I needed to check on him". The first thing she did on her birthday was a selfless act of checking on her brother. Sweetness. Her kind heart also leads to bigger feelings, too. She is more concerned about lots of things than I think most children her age are. But she's also experienced more than most kids her age. We often have to answer (or at least attempt to answer) tough questions or battle some fears and anxieties with her, especially when she gets tired. Since she feels all the feelings it leads to some major outbursts, especially since she's been worn out since starting kindergarten. These are not often but are SO hard for me as a parent because they are so atypical and I know she knows how to behave and I think my expectations for her are too high often times.
Now that Harper is "Miss Independent" she had a big hand in planning her birthday this year. Instead of just telling me what she wanted as a gift or where she wanted to have it she had input in most of the details. And it was truly such fun planning it with her. It was a great lesson for me in letting go and letting her have independence. Several things she helped me with I wanted to take control of and make "perfect" but I knew (thanks to great models of discipleship) that letting her gain independence in these tasks was more important than me just doing them for her. Parenting is such a humbling experience and I know God has used it as one of the biggest teaching tools for my life. Harper decided on a tea party this year and after watching Alice in Wonderland we made that our theme for the tea party. She has such fun playing with all her friends and even got to use some of the manners she learned in Colonial Williamsburg this summer (though the loud belch probably wasn't one of those!). Enjoy the pictures of my precious 6 year old! Time continues to fly but I am (very very slowly) learning to enjoy the ride!

 Ready for the tea party!

 We loved being able to use the patio/courtyard at my parent's house! 

 Tea sandwiches

 Such a pretty (but hot) day!

 Harper read the sign all by herself! (Well, we helped her sound out 'wonderland')

 I've had the "Very Merry Unbirthday" song stuck in my head since yesterday.

 Harper helped paint the crazy sign!

 The girls played 'playing card' corn hole.

 I am so sad this is out of focus....our big 6 year old!

 She was ready for tea!

 So she practiced with Grandmother!

 My amazingly talented sister helped turn a Ninja Turtles piñata into a Cheshire Cat!

 Tea for two.

 The cake with my old Alice in Wonderland figurines!

 Party girl!

 She was showing off her new bow and arrow. 

 Swinging!

 Tea party!

 Blowing out SIX candles!

 Sweet friends!

 They got to choose "tea" (decaf tea mixed with milk) or lemonade. 

 The girls had a good time!

 My personal favorite, petit fours! 

 Playing croquet! 

The poor Cheshire Cat didn't last long once the girls knew there was candy inside!

Hendrix is one!

I'll say it 1,000 times about my children, how are we already a year older!?!? Time flies when you have fun! And when you are busy chasing a super speedy crawler around. Although it has been hard to get the words "one year old" out of my mouth today when people asked how old he was, I feel like my perspective is good. This milestone birthday (though, aren't they all?) is a chance to be still and reflect on the amazing year we've had and more importantly to thank God for the amazing gift of our baby boy! I think about two summers ago, after losing Jack, when Jason and I decided that we would indeed like to try and have another child. We prayed about it and talked about it a lot and decided that if God wanted us to have another child of our own, we were ready. I remember us saying "it might take a long time to get pregnant, we might NEVER get pregnant, but we are open to seeing what God wills". And so in my very earthly mind that meant, literally, we would probably be pregnant in a year. Or not get pregnant and begin more seriously considering adoption. And then literally a month later I was pregnant with Hendrix. God answered our prayers in a much different way than I thought! 

And before we knew Hendrix was Hendrix I remember asking God to give us a girl if he thought we'd view a boy as a replacement for Jack and treat him in a way that didn't honor his individual self. But God gave us a boy and while I've loved getting to see what having a boy in the house is like, which I missed out on with Jack, Hendrix is definitely his own person. Having another boy has been redemptive and God knew that. But he also knew that he gave us a child with a strong will and a mind of his own who will not let himself be treated in a way that he doesn't agree with. 

Hendrix is a really chill kid most of the time. And SUCH a happy baby. He seems to enjoy life and I know that we treasure both he and Harper all the more after our experience with Jack. Hendrix is also the LOUDEST baby I've ever met and he uses his ability to increase his volume to let his needs and wants known, either by crying or screaming "EAT" when he's hungry or saying "HEY" to someone who won't acknowledge he is there. He is very friendly and waves and says hi or hey to nearly everyone we see. And he is never not hungry. If he sees anyone eating it is instant panic until he gets food. He loves playing with Harper, especially peek-a-boo, and loves playing "soccer" with his hands. He gets a ball (or car or anything he can slide or roll) and bats it around the house and then chases after it. Too much time with my parent's cats, maybe? ;-) Hendrix continues to be a giant, in the 95th+ percentile in height and in the 70th in weight. I love that his language development is so advanced. I'll add him to my resume! ;-) It is fun to watch the overgeneralization he uses, too. He says bird for airplanes, birds, ceiling fans, and lights on the ceiling. He says dog for all animals but birds, cats, and squirrels. He says cat for cats and squirrels. He says Harper ("Hahpuh"), Mama, Daddy, Grandaddy, and Toby (TobDog). He says hi and hey and bye. And he says no ("nuh"). He says see when he wants you to pick him up so he can see something. He says book and ball. He makes car noises. He WHISTLES! He says a few phrases, too! "Hey dog dog" or "Hey daddy" or "See bird" "See Harper". 

For his first birthday party we had a shark theme since we've called him Baby Sharky-doo-do since he was a newborn because of the way he eats (it's from a song Harper learned at preschool). He seriously used to attack his bottle with the ferociousness of a great white! And obviously he still loves to eat. He is a bottomless pit! Enjoy these pictures from his birthday party! (I wish I had thought to let Jason take the pictures, he is a much better photographer than I am, but hey, we have pictures at least, right?).

 Happy birthday baby sharky doo-do!

 A year of Hendrix! He's grown so much and we are so glad!

 His shirt and invitations had sharks with different patterns and shades of blue and grey so we stuck with that for the table decorations. Blue ocean water (yummy punch), jello with gummy sharks ("shark tanks")....

 ...goldfish crackers as shark bait, teddy grahams with lifesavers for beach bears...

....shark sandwiches (big thanks to my mom who cut out all that shark cheese!)...

Another of the whole table...

...and the centerpiece- the watermelon shark! It was such fun to make! And such a yummy watermelon for so early in the season!

All about Hendrix!

Toby wanted to join the party!

 I made this water wall intending to get pictures of everyone in front of it but we were having too good of a time and I forgot!

Happy birthday buddy! We love you baby sharky doo-do!

 I wish I had thought to take a picture of all the art the kids did on the driveway with chalk, it was amazing! 

 Lots of fun with bubbles!

 More bubbles!

 Hendrix with Grandaddy! 

 Everyone (well, maybe not the parents who had wet kids) loved the water table!

 Hendrix loved getting splash around!

 We loved getting to see everyone!

 Splash! 

 After a minor crisis with the cake (being that there was none) I thought it turned out well! 

 One of my favorites- Hendrix looks like he is thinking "why are they all singing to me?"

 For being such a ferocious eater Hendrix does NOT like the way certain things feel on his hands when he eats....like frosting apparently. 

 "Gross Mom, what is this stuff?"

 He's wiping it off on his precious shark bib!

 "Hmm...it's good..."

 He tried eating the high chair strap!

 But the cake was better!

 Totally worth the icky hands! We love cake!

 I did remember to get a few pictures! Hendrix with Grandaddy!

 This is one of my favorite pictures of Nonnie and Poppa and the fact that Hendrix is in it is extra special! You can see he gets his blue eyes honestly.

 Harper might have loved Hendrix's gift more than he did! She barely fits!

 Hanging out with Grandmother before the party starts. (Isn't she beautiful?)

 He forgot about hating the hat because it was so much fun!

 Baby sharky doo-do loves the water!

 He's a pro at driving already!

 My sweet girl!

 The after from his cake...obviously he got over his sensory issues! 

Opening presents...he mostly just wanted to play at this point and was not interested in the crinkly paper at all, nor the gifts themselves...now later he's been all about them (as has Harper!).