Today we celebrate Jack's 5th birthday. Jack's birthday is a hard day because it was the day we met him but also the day we said goodbye. Such a mix of joy and sorrow all rolled into one day. It has been five years since we got to meet our second child, our first boy, the child that only ever knew love. It seems like SO much longer than that but also like it was yesterday all at the same time.
This year was especially difficult- in the past Jason and I have felt a calling of what to do to commemorate Jack's day and remember him. But this year I just didn't have a sense as to WHAT to do on his actual birthday this year. And I'm thankful for a sweet friend who speaks truth into my life frequently who told me "that's a pretty typical 5 year old birthday- at that point in their life things get busy and it kind of sneaks up on you!". And boy is that ever true. And I know grief and remembrance look different every year. So for this year his birthday looks different than it did in years past. But that doesn't make it wrong or not special. If you are grieving I want you to know that whatever you are feeling in this moment is what you are "supposed" to feel. Expectations you put on yourself or others put on you are just those- expectations and not reality. Grief is such an odd thing in that it ebbs and flows and changes shape and sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And the reality of it is we remember Jack every day and honor him, not just on his birthday. We have his pictures up around the house that we see every day, we talk about him daily, Harper and Hendrix love to talk about where he would sit in the shopping cart if he were there with us (and they also love to argue about it- which I love because Jack is even part of silly sibling arguments!). And while I struggle that Jack's birthday this year may feel more like a "normal" day than in years past I also know so will Hendrix's this year and so will Harper's. They will go to school and we will go to work but then we will come together as a family and celebrate. And it will be wonderful and special and ordinary all at the same time.
This year we found out that the children's favorite singer, TobyMac, was coming to a city near us the weekend before Jack's birthday. So we decided to spend a weekend there and surprise them with the concert. The concert was in Birmingham where Jack was born. On the drive up on Saturday I realized how redemptive this trip felt. Here we were as a family making the same drive we did many times to go see the doctors and specialists at UAB. The same drive we made sobbing in shock after being told we would never take our baby home. The same drive we made feeling like we were driving to our doom to deliver Jack. And the same, lonely drive we made after he was born, wishing things were not the way they were. But Saturday was different. It was a pretty day, though overcast at times, and we were headed towards a fun adventure in the very same city. And 5 years ago I had no idea what fun family adventures would look like after losing our child.
Although we have been to Birmingham several times since Jack's birth this trip felt different. We were making memories as a family and doing it in memory and honor of Jack. God is so sweet in his care for us. Giving us this redeeming trip. And just like so much of our experience with Jack God continues to shine through all the bad. He redeemed all of those horrible trips up to Birmingham with a wonderful one. This is no way erasing what happened or taking place of our sweet Jack. But God used this trip to remind me that He has redeemed ME. No matter the mistakes, struggles, doubts I have God has covered it all with Jesus. Jack's birthday and Easter always fall near each other and I so appreciate that each year. We have a savior who willingly died for us. To redeem us. To redeem the horrible, dark places in our life- whether they are there by our actions or through no fault of our own. There is a God who loves us all SO much that he is in the HUGE parts of our lives (like the death of a child) and in the tiniest parts, too. Before the concert we went to the Botanical Gardens and both children were getting tired. Harper wanted to sit on a swing and complained that all of the swings were full. We finally came to an empty one and sat down together as a family. And just enjoyed some moments of stillness and peace in the very busy gardens. And then I looked over where the children were playing and the sign said "Little Ones Memory Garden". It almost took my breath away. Here we were, on a trip to celebrate the life of our tiny little one, in a garden that is describe as having "elements of gardens and of nature come together to help heal the grief caused by the loss of a love one, such as a child". God is so sweet in the way he weaves our stories. Through our pain and heartbreak he has led us closer to him. And he led us to this garden that day. To give us peace. And remind us that he cares for us in these sweet, small ways.
If you look closely you can see the sign for the Memory Garden.
Two of our sweet blessings that we love exploring with.
Sitting on the swing in the Memory Garden
Enjoying a beautiful spring day in Birmingham, just like the day Jack was born.
All of us on the Memory Garden swing.
Love these three!
So excited for the concert!
If you find yourself in one of life's storms please know that things will get better. You may always feel the loss or the grief but you will also continue to feel joy and have things to hope for. Find people you can talk with that will love you and listen to you and who will put up with the ever changing face of grief. If you don't have a person like that and need one I would be happy to listen to you. The reminder of God's goodness and our redemption through Jesus that this trip gave me brings to mind these verses from Isaiah 44: 22-23
"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, O heavens, for the Lord has done this; shout aloud, O earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel."
So even on hard days we will burst into song and declare the goodness of God. It isn't always easy. But it is always true.
Each year our family chooses to honor Jack's life by supporting organizations in our community that support children. As most of you know this year an EF-4 tornado destroyed a community just a few miles from our home. So many precious lives were lost and so many people lost everything. Several families in our church were directly impacted, both by loss of family members and loss of property. Below is a link to donate towards helping those families if you feel led to do so. An 11 year old girl from our church lost her father, future step mother, and best friend in the tornadoes and was badly injured. If you select 'chose fund' and 'Grimes family' any contribution you make will go directly to helping Kayla and her family.
In addition if you are interested in other ways to help our community this website has a pretty comprehensive list of ways to help. Thank you for honoring Jack's memory in this way.
