6!

Poor Harper. She hasn't gotten a post lately. Really, poor blog, I haven't posted in forever. Thankfully the blog isn't a person and I'm totally fine with living life and not worrying about updating the blog. However, I do love that it is here for posterity's sake and it helps my poor mommy brain remember sweet things that I otherwise wouldn't (I've actually referenced our blog multiple times in the past 2-3 months so I can compare Harper and Hendrix). Anyway...Harper turned 6 yesterday! It is getting harder and harder to put into words what I feel for my precious girl. Literally since she was born I've felt she was just too good to be true (I know a lot of parents must feel this way but I KNOW it is true). That doesn't mean that I think she's never done anything wrong or that she is perfect, but I can see what an amazing creator God is when I look at her. He designed her so special and unique and I love getting to watch her life unfold.
Harper started kindergarten in August and it is so amazing to see how much she has 'grown up' since then. If nothing else, kindergarten has promoted such independence in my sweet girl. Independence in thoughts, in life skills, in her ability to verbally work through things...so amazing! She is also reading a little now (though she still says she "can't read") and writing sentences that we can actually read, now! The other day she wrote "Hannah went to the zu"! I love watching her learn and love that she is continuing her zeal for learning. That was my goal for her in kindergarten, just that she would continue to love to learn. We were blessed with the sweetest teacher who does such a great job of teaching the children based on their interests and ideas.
Harper also continues to have such a kind heart. Yesterday, on her birthday, she woke up to her brother crying (he had gotten in trouble) and she came out because she said "I heard his hurt or scared cry and I needed to check on him". The first thing she did on her birthday was a selfless act of checking on her brother. Sweetness. Her kind heart also leads to bigger feelings, too. She is more concerned about lots of things than I think most children her age are. But she's also experienced more than most kids her age. We often have to answer (or at least attempt to answer) tough questions or battle some fears and anxieties with her, especially when she gets tired. Since she feels all the feelings it leads to some major outbursts, especially since she's been worn out since starting kindergarten. These are not often but are SO hard for me as a parent because they are so atypical and I know she knows how to behave and I think my expectations for her are too high often times.
Now that Harper is "Miss Independent" she had a big hand in planning her birthday this year. Instead of just telling me what she wanted as a gift or where she wanted to have it she had input in most of the details. And it was truly such fun planning it with her. It was a great lesson for me in letting go and letting her have independence. Several things she helped me with I wanted to take control of and make "perfect" but I knew (thanks to great models of discipleship) that letting her gain independence in these tasks was more important than me just doing them for her. Parenting is such a humbling experience and I know God has used it as one of the biggest teaching tools for my life. Harper decided on a tea party this year and after watching Alice in Wonderland we made that our theme for the tea party. She has such fun playing with all her friends and even got to use some of the manners she learned in Colonial Williamsburg this summer (though the loud belch probably wasn't one of those!). Enjoy the pictures of my precious 6 year old! Time continues to fly but I am (very very slowly) learning to enjoy the ride!

 Ready for the tea party!

 We loved being able to use the patio/courtyard at my parent's house! 

 Tea sandwiches

 Such a pretty (but hot) day!

 Harper read the sign all by herself! (Well, we helped her sound out 'wonderland')

 I've had the "Very Merry Unbirthday" song stuck in my head since yesterday.

 Harper helped paint the crazy sign!

 The girls played 'playing card' corn hole.

 I am so sad this is out of focus....our big 6 year old!

 She was ready for tea!

 So she practiced with Grandmother!

 My amazingly talented sister helped turn a Ninja Turtles piñata into a Cheshire Cat!

 Tea for two.

 The cake with my old Alice in Wonderland figurines!

 Party girl!

 She was showing off her new bow and arrow. 

 Swinging!

 Tea party!

 Blowing out SIX candles!

 Sweet friends!

 They got to choose "tea" (decaf tea mixed with milk) or lemonade. 

 The girls had a good time!

 My personal favorite, petit fours! 

 Playing croquet! 

The poor Cheshire Cat didn't last long once the girls knew there was candy inside!

Hendrix is one!

I'll say it 1,000 times about my children, how are we already a year older!?!? Time flies when you have fun! And when you are busy chasing a super speedy crawler around. Although it has been hard to get the words "one year old" out of my mouth today when people asked how old he was, I feel like my perspective is good. This milestone birthday (though, aren't they all?) is a chance to be still and reflect on the amazing year we've had and more importantly to thank God for the amazing gift of our baby boy! I think about two summers ago, after losing Jack, when Jason and I decided that we would indeed like to try and have another child. We prayed about it and talked about it a lot and decided that if God wanted us to have another child of our own, we were ready. I remember us saying "it might take a long time to get pregnant, we might NEVER get pregnant, but we are open to seeing what God wills". And so in my very earthly mind that meant, literally, we would probably be pregnant in a year. Or not get pregnant and begin more seriously considering adoption. And then literally a month later I was pregnant with Hendrix. God answered our prayers in a much different way than I thought! 

And before we knew Hendrix was Hendrix I remember asking God to give us a girl if he thought we'd view a boy as a replacement for Jack and treat him in a way that didn't honor his individual self. But God gave us a boy and while I've loved getting to see what having a boy in the house is like, which I missed out on with Jack, Hendrix is definitely his own person. Having another boy has been redemptive and God knew that. But he also knew that he gave us a child with a strong will and a mind of his own who will not let himself be treated in a way that he doesn't agree with. 

Hendrix is a really chill kid most of the time. And SUCH a happy baby. He seems to enjoy life and I know that we treasure both he and Harper all the more after our experience with Jack. Hendrix is also the LOUDEST baby I've ever met and he uses his ability to increase his volume to let his needs and wants known, either by crying or screaming "EAT" when he's hungry or saying "HEY" to someone who won't acknowledge he is there. He is very friendly and waves and says hi or hey to nearly everyone we see. And he is never not hungry. If he sees anyone eating it is instant panic until he gets food. He loves playing with Harper, especially peek-a-boo, and loves playing "soccer" with his hands. He gets a ball (or car or anything he can slide or roll) and bats it around the house and then chases after it. Too much time with my parent's cats, maybe? ;-) Hendrix continues to be a giant, in the 95th+ percentile in height and in the 70th in weight. I love that his language development is so advanced. I'll add him to my resume! ;-) It is fun to watch the overgeneralization he uses, too. He says bird for airplanes, birds, ceiling fans, and lights on the ceiling. He says dog for all animals but birds, cats, and squirrels. He says cat for cats and squirrels. He says Harper ("Hahpuh"), Mama, Daddy, Grandaddy, and Toby (TobDog). He says hi and hey and bye. And he says no ("nuh"). He says see when he wants you to pick him up so he can see something. He says book and ball. He makes car noises. He WHISTLES! He says a few phrases, too! "Hey dog dog" or "Hey daddy" or "See bird" "See Harper". 

For his first birthday party we had a shark theme since we've called him Baby Sharky-doo-do since he was a newborn because of the way he eats (it's from a song Harper learned at preschool). He seriously used to attack his bottle with the ferociousness of a great white! And obviously he still loves to eat. He is a bottomless pit! Enjoy these pictures from his birthday party! (I wish I had thought to let Jason take the pictures, he is a much better photographer than I am, but hey, we have pictures at least, right?).

 Happy birthday baby sharky doo-do!

 A year of Hendrix! He's grown so much and we are so glad!

 His shirt and invitations had sharks with different patterns and shades of blue and grey so we stuck with that for the table decorations. Blue ocean water (yummy punch), jello with gummy sharks ("shark tanks")....

 ...goldfish crackers as shark bait, teddy grahams with lifesavers for beach bears...

....shark sandwiches (big thanks to my mom who cut out all that shark cheese!)...

Another of the whole table...

...and the centerpiece- the watermelon shark! It was such fun to make! And such a yummy watermelon for so early in the season!

All about Hendrix!

Toby wanted to join the party!

 I made this water wall intending to get pictures of everyone in front of it but we were having too good of a time and I forgot!

Happy birthday buddy! We love you baby sharky doo-do!

 I wish I had thought to take a picture of all the art the kids did on the driveway with chalk, it was amazing! 

 Lots of fun with bubbles!

 More bubbles!

 Hendrix with Grandaddy! 

 Everyone (well, maybe not the parents who had wet kids) loved the water table!

 Hendrix loved getting splash around!

 We loved getting to see everyone!

 Splash! 

 After a minor crisis with the cake (being that there was none) I thought it turned out well! 

 One of my favorites- Hendrix looks like he is thinking "why are they all singing to me?"

 For being such a ferocious eater Hendrix does NOT like the way certain things feel on his hands when he eats....like frosting apparently. 

 "Gross Mom, what is this stuff?"

 He's wiping it off on his precious shark bib!

 "Hmm...it's good..."

 He tried eating the high chair strap!

 But the cake was better!

 Totally worth the icky hands! We love cake!

 I did remember to get a few pictures! Hendrix with Grandaddy!

 This is one of my favorite pictures of Nonnie and Poppa and the fact that Hendrix is in it is extra special! You can see he gets his blue eyes honestly.

 Harper might have loved Hendrix's gift more than he did! She barely fits!

 Hanging out with Grandmother before the party starts. (Isn't she beautiful?)

 He forgot about hating the hat because it was so much fun!

 Baby sharky doo-do loves the water!

 He's a pro at driving already!

 My sweet girl!

 The after from his cake...obviously he got over his sensory issues! 

Opening presents...he mostly just wanted to play at this point and was not interested in the crinkly paper at all, nor the gifts themselves...now later he's been all about them (as has Harper!). 

Two Years Less

"There is no word, no label, no identifying moniker,

I am not a widow, not an orphan, not childess,

But one child less.

One less open laugh and little boy giggle,

One less challenging tete-a-tete;

One less artful, winking manipulation,

One less word of comfort, one less grateful hug.

One less chance to embrace a daughter;

One less new life to carry your eye,

your chin, your grin, your name,

No one word for the pain, the longing, the brevity

Of a life meant for living;

an old soul meant to grow older than mine;

Would there be any one price too high,

an sacrifice too great,

For one more moment,

one more breath,

one more warm touch;

I grasp desperately and sense the closeness-

the ONE just at the fingertips of my hear and mind,

There is not 'One'-

you are gone and I am -less."

-Cheryl Mcdonald

Teeny little baby feet!

 I always knew Harper would make the best big sister!

 Happy to be all together, if only briefly!

 My favorite picture of all time.

Two years. Two years since I met my oldest son and since I said goodbye to him. I feel so unprepared for his birthday this year. Though I've thought of it often. But this year I felt more like I wanted just remember and celebrate Jack with our family, whereas last year I desired to be surrounded by friends and family. So I guess just not having big, definite plans to mark your day this year is strange and makes me feel unprepared. I am sure each year the way we celebrate and mark your day will change. 

Jack,

Daddy, Harper, and I think and talk of you often. We've decided it is a tradition to donate a swimsuit and towel for a child in foster care since a local agency (Big House) has their drive around your birthday each year. Harper chose a Spiderman bathing suit and towel in a 2T since she thinks your favorite super hero would be Spiderman. Hers is Captain America. We are guessing your baby brother's favorite superhero will be Hulk since he "hulks" everything in the house. 

Speaking of your brother, it is strange to think that I am the mom of TWO boys now. Last year I could only hope that was the case. You have both proved to be so different from your big sister. But I cherish each of my children and the way you are all unique. Jack, you have the advantage of never having to see the wrath of mommy! 

Life is so different now than it was before we knew you, as is true with the arrival of all children I suppose. But you have made us better people. Though our family will never truly feel whole with you missing, your absence makes us cherish each other even more. When I look at Harper and Hendrix my heart wants to burst at how much they love each other. Harper is SO patient and SO kind and SO loving towards him, even though he is a wild, active baby who loves pulling hair and sneaking into her room. And while I know eventually they will squabble I truly believe that she loves him so well because of you. She prays for you often and likes to guess at what fun you are having in Heaven. 

God has also used you to strength my faith in Him. Before I got pregnant with you I always wondered if I had the faith that could withstand such a storm. But God drew me nearer to him through our trials with you. Lately I have been thinking about "life verses" and trying to find one. Although I don't have one yet, I do have several that I think accurately sum up parts of my life. One I've clung to lately is Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Although belief in God does not exempt you from the horrors of the world, God doesn't fail you or leave you alone in those times. And I learned that through being your mom, Jack! 

We long for the day that we can be with you again. I can't wait to see you healed and whole and made new! And although celebrating your birthday will always be hard, I am so thankful for the hope that I have that we WILL see you again. 

Happy 2nd Birthday! 

I LOVE YOU!

Mommy
As always, we believe that the purpose of Jack's life did not end with his life. He has made such an impact in his brief existence on this earth and we know he will continue to do so. We have some favorite organizations that help children in our area and we'd love for you to at least know more about them and if you feel led, donate to these organizations!

Junior League of Lee County
http://www.juniorleagueofleecounty.com/donate
Backpack program-

2% of Lee County's Children are in the Free or Reduced Lunch Program*

20% are struggling with chronic hunger**

The Junior League of Lee County is making a difference in the county by the Weekend Backpack Program in Partnership with the Food Bank of East Alabama.

In the past 2012-2013 school year, the League has packed and delivered 800 bags of food.  This is program has served 80 children in Lee County Elementary and Middle Schools.

The Goal is to serve the chronically hungry children in Lee County Schools who would go hungry over the weekend.

Alabama Rural Ministry

http://www.arm-al.org/extend-with-us/financial-gifts/

Sunshine Day Camps-

Teams working with the day camp work with the ARM day camp staff to plan Bible studies, songs, recreation activities and much more! Day camps are run similarly to Vacation Bible Schools and other day camp programs. Our volunteers are able to enhance the children’s experiences through interaction, whether it be fellowship, playing games, going on field trips, or presenting Bible stories and devotions. The children of the Sonshine Day Camp are truly remarkable in their ability to show love to so many volunteers that come in and out of their lives each summer. 

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/donate/

Mission

To introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with a free gift of professional portraiture.

Our Work

NILMDTS trains, educates, and mobilizes professional quality photographers to provide beautiful heirloom portraits to families facing the untimely death of an infant. We believe these images serve as an important step in the family's healing process by honoring the child's legacy.

Harperisms 2016

It is high time for another of these posts! Harper keeps us in stitches!

Jason- "You're going to be a crazy cat lady, aren't you?"

HG- "oh yes"

"Mama, did you know 100 years ago the beaches were closed? Ha! Just kidding! Beaches don't be owned by people! That would be silly."

"Tell me when you're going to have an argument and I'll decide who I agree with. I think it's going to be Mommy." 9/7/15

"When I grow up I'm going to have my wedding at Old McDonald's (what Harper calls McDonald's) and it won't cost very much money." 9/6/15

"She doesn't go to school. She's homeless school." 10/2/15

Harper: "Remember when we couldn't use up our food? Remember when there was a war that one weekend and we couldn't use up our food or the bad guy would take it?"

"Guess what? I am never ever going to marry a bad guy. I'll just kick him in the penis. If he has one."

Harper: "what are we eating for dinner?"

Me: 'leftover chicken'

Harper: "oh I HATE leftover chicken. I'm calling the chicken people who make chicken taste bad."

Me: ignores

Harper: eats all

3/15/16

Harper just tried to say "an unmentionable horror" but instead said "an unmentionable whore". 4/1/16

Reflecting

The past few days I've been sick and in a lot of pain. Which has left me to my thoughts. Which means the blog gets updated. I've been thinking a lot about Jack lately and especially today. Two years ago today was the worst day of my life. Two years ago, about this time actually, Jason and I were sitting in an ultrasound room at UAB being told that our baby did not have a chance of surviving once he was born. There is nothing that can prepare a person for a moment like that and no words that can adequately capture everything we felt in those moments.
I can not say enough about all of the people who have helped us emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally along the way. And I am sure with the birth of Hendrix and all the joy that has brought us it seems we have moved on. But there is no moving on from losing a child. Yes, we celebrate (even more so) the amazing things Harper and Hendrix do (no matter how seemingly insignificant) and yes we do have happiness and joy but the sorrow will always be there.
I think I can say we are in a healthy place of grief. We are able to talk about our feelings and we feel safe enough to FEEL those feelings. But we will always be grieving. There are a lot of thoughts I have that make me cringe and I love that I have a few people that I can say those to that I know won't judge me for them. Like how I think about if Jack had survived how different my life would be now. And there are things that I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet. I have a beautiful wooden box with a glass lid to put Jack's blanket, hat, hospital bracelet, etc in. Yet I haven't done it yet. And not because I don't like the box. His things are still sitting in the chair in the corner of our bedroom. They may always stay there. Or one day I will decide it is time to arrange them in the box. Each year I make a family yearbook so that our digital pictures will become physical. But until today I hadn't been able to bring myself to make our family yearbook for 2014, the year Jack was born. Looking through the pictures from that year was SO good. I looked at all of the things we got to do as we walked with the knowledge from January until April that Jack would not survive. I see the pictures of us smiling, really smiling, and celebrating moments in our lives all the while carrying such a heavy burden. And it is such a sweet reminder that God is so faithful. He does not leave us. He does not fail. He held us close during those agonizing moments and gave us strength to walk through life. To LIVE life. He gave us joy amidst such sorrow. I am so glad that (only 13 months late) I finally made the family yearbook. What a sweet reminder of God's grace to us.

Also, here is a link to a video of a sermon our church did on where God is in suffering.