Harper is 9!

Dear Harper,

Well, I am 9 years into being a mom (thanks to you!) and here is what I've learned so far: it doesn't get easier! You are the most amazing girl and I am so thankful I get to be your mom! I think before you were born I had so many ideas of how amazing I'd be and how perfectly this all would go and I'm continually being humbled the farther along I go in this motherhood journey. And that is OKAY! I think making mistakes and being human and owning up to those mistakes to you will help you truly understand what grace and mercy really look like.

We have battled more in the past year than probably in the other years combined. And I know it is because of this strange in between world we live in where you are growing up and becoming independent but where I am still responsible for your safety and your upbringing. You are SO bright and SO kind and SO independent but you are still not ready to be fully independent and make all of your own choices...even though I know you disagree!
I am so thankful for your desire to be independent and I know it will serve you well once you actually are an adult. I am thankful for sweet friends who are ahead of me on this motherhood journey who speak truth about their experiences- but do so in a way that encourages me and excites me for what is to come!

Harper- in all of my wildest dreams and deepest worries about becoming a mother I could never have imagined having such a beautiful soul to shepherd into adulthood. God literally gave me both a miniature version of myself and the best version of myself I could ever hope for in you. It is sometimes painful to watch you struggle the same struggles I had or make the same mistakes I made BUT every single day I have the joy of watching your precious, tender heart grow and care for others. Every day on the way to school you ask to pray for someone who is sick or hurting or struggling or just needs a friend. And every single day you show great compassion for life- both human and animal. You have so much more patience than I do for the dogs, the fish, your brother...and I'm thankful for your life as a reminder of WHY I get out of bed each morning and march forward.

Harper- so much time has passed (in your short life) that you may not remember but for four and a half years you were my buddy- we had each other and that was that! I know for almost two years of that I was pregnant and tired and sad. But you brought joy to our lives that would not have been possible if it weren't for YOU! No matter how frustrated I get at you or how annoyed you get at me, just remember- there is only one you! And you were created for a purpose in this life! And you have already been fulfilling that purpose by bringing JOY to the hearts of SO many! As you continue to grow up and continue to become more independent I am praying that you continue to see your worth and your purpose. Because God has called us to SO much and he doesn't have a plan B. YOU are his plan A. And you are capable of the great calling He has put on your life! Harper, you will do amazing things and I am so thankful I get to be a participant in this wild ride! Always keep your enthusiasm for life, always keep your sparkle! From the moment you were born we saw a fire in your eyes and I know that will take you far!
I love you!
-Mom

When tacky day is on your birthday mom makes sure to get a picture on picture day instead!

 

 Harper got to have solve a mystery with her cousins this year for her birthday!

They all enjoyed figuring out clues and getting a finders fee at the end!

Five Long Years

    
     Today we celebrate Jack's 5th birthday. Jack's birthday is a hard day because it was the day we met him but also the day we said goodbye. Such a mix of joy and sorrow all rolled into one day. It has been five years since we got to meet our second child, our first boy, the child that only ever knew love. It seems like SO much longer than that but also like it was yesterday all at the same time.

     This year was especially difficult- in the past Jason and I have felt a calling of what to do to commemorate Jack's day and remember him. But this year I just didn't have a sense as to WHAT to do on his actual birthday this year. And I'm thankful for a sweet friend who speaks truth into my life frequently who told me "that's a pretty typical 5 year old birthday- at that point in their life things get busy and it kind of sneaks up on you!". And boy is that ever true. And I know grief and remembrance look different every year. So for this year his birthday looks different than it did in years past. But that doesn't make it wrong or not special. If you are grieving I want you to know that whatever you are feeling in this moment is what you are "supposed" to feel. Expectations you put on yourself or others put on you are just those- expectations and not reality. Grief is such an odd thing in that it ebbs and flows and changes shape and sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And the reality of it is we remember Jack every day and honor him, not just on his birthday. We have his pictures up around the house that we see every day, we talk about him daily, Harper and Hendrix love to talk about where he would sit in the shopping cart if he were there with us (and they also love to argue about it- which I love because Jack is even part of silly sibling arguments!).  And while I struggle that Jack's birthday this year may feel more like a "normal" day than in years past I also know so will Hendrix's this year and so will Harper's. They will go to school and we will go to work but then we will come together as a family and celebrate. And it will be wonderful and special and ordinary all at the same time.

     This year we found out that the children's favorite singer, TobyMac, was coming to a city near us the weekend before Jack's birthday. So we decided to spend a weekend there and surprise them with the concert. The concert was in Birmingham where Jack was born. On the drive up on Saturday I realized how redemptive this trip felt. Here we were as a family making the same drive we did many times to go see the doctors and specialists at UAB. The same drive we made sobbing in shock after being told we would never take our baby home. The same drive we made feeling like we were driving to our doom to deliver Jack. And the same, lonely drive we made after he was born, wishing things were not the way they were. But Saturday was different. It was a pretty day, though overcast at times, and we were headed towards a fun adventure in the very same city. And 5 years ago I had no idea what fun family adventures would look like after losing our child.

     Although we have been to Birmingham several times since Jack's birth this trip felt different. We were making memories as a family and doing it in memory and honor of Jack. God is so sweet in his care for us. Giving us this redeeming trip. And just like so much of our experience with Jack God continues to shine through all the bad. He redeemed all of those horrible trips up to Birmingham with a wonderful one. This is no way erasing what happened or taking place of our sweet Jack. But God used this trip to remind me that He has redeemed ME. No matter the mistakes, struggles, doubts I have God has covered it all with Jesus. Jack's birthday and Easter always fall near each other and I so appreciate that each year. We have a savior who willingly died for us. To redeem us. To redeem the horrible, dark places in our life- whether they are there by our actions or through no fault of our own. There is a God who loves us all SO much that he is in the HUGE parts of our lives (like the death of a child) and in the tiniest parts, too. Before the concert we went to the Botanical Gardens and both children were getting tired. Harper wanted to sit on a swing and complained that all of the swings were full. We finally came to an empty one and sat down together as a family. And just enjoyed some moments of stillness and peace in the very busy gardens. And then I looked over where the children were playing and the sign said "Little Ones Memory Garden". It almost took my breath away. Here we were, on a trip to celebrate the life of our tiny little one, in a garden that is describe as having "elements of gardens and of nature come together to help heal the grief caused by the loss of a love one, such as a child". God is so sweet in the way he weaves our stories. Through our pain and heartbreak he has led us closer to him. And he led us to this garden that day. To give us peace. And remind us that he cares for us in these sweet, small ways.

 

If you look closely you can see the sign for the Memory Garden.

 

 Two of our sweet blessings that we love exploring with.

 

Sitting on the swing in the Memory Garden

 

Enjoying a beautiful spring day in Birmingham, just like the day Jack was born.

 

All of us on the Memory Garden swing.

  

Love these three!

 So excited for the concert!

If you find yourself in one of life's storms please know that things will get better. You may always feel the loss or the grief but you will also continue to feel joy and have things to hope for. Find people you can talk with that will love you and listen to you and who will put up with the ever changing face of grief. If you don't have a person like that and need one I would be happy to listen to you. The reminder of God's goodness and our redemption through Jesus that this trip gave me brings to mind these verses from Isaiah 44: 22-23 

"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, O heavens, for the Lord has done this; shout aloud, O  earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel."

So even on hard days we will burst into song and declare the goodness of God. It isn't always easy. But it is always true.

Each year our family chooses to honor Jack's life by supporting organizations in our community that support children. As most of you know this year an EF-4 tornado destroyed a community just a few miles from our home. So many precious lives were lost and so many people lost everything. Several families in our church were directly impacted, both by loss of family members and loss of property. Below is a link to donate towards helping those families if you feel led to do so. An 11 year old girl from our church lost her father, future step mother, and best friend in the tornadoes and was badly injured. If you select 'chose fund' and 'Grimes family' any contribution you make will go directly to helping Kayla and her family. 

Grimes family fund 

In addition if you are interested in other ways to help our community this website has a pretty comprehensive list of ways to help.  Thank you for honoring Jack's memory in this way.

Love Lee County 

Harper-isms and Hendrix-isms 2018-2019

I have been collecting these for far too long but have yet to actually post them!!Some may be a little PG-13 so...be warned! ;-)
*HGM is Harper, HMM is Hendrix

“One time, when I was a baby, I came out of your tummy and I ran to the bathroom.”

-Hendrix

1/9/19

“I will show you something really interesting.”

-Hendrix

said in his little drunk baby slurry voice

1/3/19

While watching Incredibles 2:

“He has laser eyes! I wish I could do that...”

-Hendrix 12/27/18

Harper- “Scout might have just peed.”

(She picks him up)

“Hmm, penis doesn’t look wet.”

(In her most medical sounding voice.)

-Harper 11/28/18

 “One time you told me I didn’t like that song when I was an old man.”

-Hendrix

said indignantly  10/9/18

Bath time convos:

HMM: “Harper you don’t have a penis?”

HGM: “NO! I don’t have a penis.”

HMM: “You just have a bottom? ..........where does the poop come out?”

9/27/2018

“You...are a person...that says no.”

(Said very angrily)

-Hendrix 9/12/18

“I want a trunk like an elephant. I would pick Hendrix up and throw him across the room.”

-Harper 6/22/18

“Ahh! There’s a fly in our house! That’s creepy crawly. Ew!”

-Hendrix 6/15/18

“I wish we were prey not predators.”

Harper 5/27/18

“I want to go to California. It’s over there on Mainstreet.”

5/13/18 Hendrix

We were expecting Pam and JP at the house, when Hendrix asked where they were I said they were on their way. Hendrix then said “No, they in Dixie!”

3/11/18

When Hendrix saw the banana plant had sprouted he exclaimed "It came back up! It is a summer's day!" 2/28/18

“I think I’ve changed a little bit. I used to care about what people think about me but now I don’t.”

-Harper 12/27/17

(While watching the tv show Mighty Machines) “I wanna go to that air show. I wanna ride on that big big plane.” -Hendrix 12/11/17

“Did you know seals pass gas when they poop? That’s why brown stuff comes out of their bottom. And it stinks.”

-Harper 12/9/17

Hendrix is playing with Legos and holds up a tower to show me. “This is a rocket, don’t mess it up.” 11/19/17

Me to Hendrix: "who's Mama's baby?"

Hendrix: "Daddy!"

When discussing the hurricane with Harper and she found out it wouldn't flood our house.

"Aw, you mean we can't go swimming in our house?"

Harper 9/5/17

"Sometimes I wish he would use his mind."

Harper 9/4/17

(To Hendrix)

"Do you want to do shake the baby?"

Harper 8/12/17

"HENDRIX PULLED DOWN MY PANTS AND SPANKED ME!"

Harper 8/12/17

"Where my heart?"

-Hendrix 8/11/17

After Hendrix bit Harper on the nipple:

Harper, through tears: "What if a baby wanted to drink from my nipple and couldn't because it was injured!"

7/24/17

"Hendrix stop it! You're breaking my soul open!"

Harper 7/14/17

"Let's name that area where it always floods "lil' ditch".

Harper 6/20/17

"I take Saturday and Sunday as time with my family not my friends. Now that I'm in Kindergarten I don't get to spend as much time with my family. I need some advise." 

(She said advise not advice! Not a typo!)

Harper 5/20/17

"I just invented a new dance! The double dab!"

Harper, 4/21/17

"This is the best day ever! I'm going to cry I'm so happy!"  

(When she found out we got the house we put an offer on!) 3/20/17

Harper, regarding making a decision to purchase a home: "we could look for something not a house. Like a cabin or stable or something." March 2017

"Nothing's uh oh Hendrix. You're just a baby, remember?" Harper 3/16/17

"Mom, you're the best mom. God didn't make a mistake giving me to you...even though things get a little crazy around here." Harper 2/4/17

2/3/17

Harper: "I don't like our new president. He put Groundhog day on a school day." 

"Let's play London Bridge. You two be the bridge. I'll be London." Harper, 1/24/17

"I don't think cats pass gas." Harper, 1/10/17

"Let's pretend we're making Legos for children who can't see." 

"Lots of people think asteroids killed the dinosaurs. It's a common theory." -HGM

(12/29/16)

Harper likes to watch Bob Ross on Netflix. She just asked "Can we watch John the painter?" And I said "you mean Bob Ross?" To which she replied "yes. That name is hard to remember, how did his parents remember?" 😂She is now referring to him as "BraBra"
-Harper, 2016

Harper commenting on the House Hunters show: "Look, they're eating cupcakes at the Jesus cupcake factory."
-Harper, 2016

Harper made up songs for Hendrix and Toby:

"Hendrix has big feet and he has a big head and he really likes to eat."

"Toby is a yellow dog who is so sweet, he is a lab and he likes to lick his feet!"
-Harper, 2016

"Europe is another country. All these people are from Europe. Europe is not in the United States." (Watching the Olympics)
-Harper, 2016

"He's half naked. I guess to show his muscles." (While watching men's gymnastics). 
-Harper, 2016

"At my table there are 2 boys and 2 girls. I am one of the girls."
-Harper, 2016