Two Years Less

"There is no word, no label, no identifying moniker,

I am not a widow, not an orphan, not childess,

But one child less.

One less open laugh and little boy giggle,

One less challenging tete-a-tete;

One less artful, winking manipulation,

One less word of comfort, one less grateful hug.

One less chance to embrace a daughter;

One less new life to carry your eye,

your chin, your grin, your name,

No one word for the pain, the longing, the brevity

Of a life meant for living;

an old soul meant to grow older than mine;

Would there be any one price too high,

an sacrifice too great,

For one more moment,

one more breath,

one more warm touch;

I grasp desperately and sense the closeness-

the ONE just at the fingertips of my hear and mind,

There is not 'One'-

you are gone and I am -less."

-Cheryl Mcdonald

Teeny little baby feet!

 I always knew Harper would make the best big sister!

 Happy to be all together, if only briefly!

 My favorite picture of all time.

Two years. Two years since I met my oldest son and since I said goodbye to him. I feel so unprepared for his birthday this year. Though I've thought of it often. But this year I felt more like I wanted just remember and celebrate Jack with our family, whereas last year I desired to be surrounded by friends and family. So I guess just not having big, definite plans to mark your day this year is strange and makes me feel unprepared. I am sure each year the way we celebrate and mark your day will change. 

Jack,

Daddy, Harper, and I think and talk of you often. We've decided it is a tradition to donate a swimsuit and towel for a child in foster care since a local agency (Big House) has their drive around your birthday each year. Harper chose a Spiderman bathing suit and towel in a 2T since she thinks your favorite super hero would be Spiderman. Hers is Captain America. We are guessing your baby brother's favorite superhero will be Hulk since he "hulks" everything in the house. 

Speaking of your brother, it is strange to think that I am the mom of TWO boys now. Last year I could only hope that was the case. You have both proved to be so different from your big sister. But I cherish each of my children and the way you are all unique. Jack, you have the advantage of never having to see the wrath of mommy! 

Life is so different now than it was before we knew you, as is true with the arrival of all children I suppose. But you have made us better people. Though our family will never truly feel whole with you missing, your absence makes us cherish each other even more. When I look at Harper and Hendrix my heart wants to burst at how much they love each other. Harper is SO patient and SO kind and SO loving towards him, even though he is a wild, active baby who loves pulling hair and sneaking into her room. And while I know eventually they will squabble I truly believe that she loves him so well because of you. She prays for you often and likes to guess at what fun you are having in Heaven. 

God has also used you to strength my faith in Him. Before I got pregnant with you I always wondered if I had the faith that could withstand such a storm. But God drew me nearer to him through our trials with you. Lately I have been thinking about "life verses" and trying to find one. Although I don't have one yet, I do have several that I think accurately sum up parts of my life. One I've clung to lately is Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Although belief in God does not exempt you from the horrors of the world, God doesn't fail you or leave you alone in those times. And I learned that through being your mom, Jack! 

We long for the day that we can be with you again. I can't wait to see you healed and whole and made new! And although celebrating your birthday will always be hard, I am so thankful for the hope that I have that we WILL see you again. 

Happy 2nd Birthday! 

I LOVE YOU!

Mommy
As always, we believe that the purpose of Jack's life did not end with his life. He has made such an impact in his brief existence on this earth and we know he will continue to do so. We have some favorite organizations that help children in our area and we'd love for you to at least know more about them and if you feel led, donate to these organizations!

Junior League of Lee County
http://www.juniorleagueofleecounty.com/donate
Backpack program-

2% of Lee County's Children are in the Free or Reduced Lunch Program*

20% are struggling with chronic hunger**

The Junior League of Lee County is making a difference in the county by the Weekend Backpack Program in Partnership with the Food Bank of East Alabama.

In the past 2012-2013 school year, the League has packed and delivered 800 bags of food.  This is program has served 80 children in Lee County Elementary and Middle Schools.

The Goal is to serve the chronically hungry children in Lee County Schools who would go hungry over the weekend.

Alabama Rural Ministry

http://www.arm-al.org/extend-with-us/financial-gifts/

Sunshine Day Camps-

Teams working with the day camp work with the ARM day camp staff to plan Bible studies, songs, recreation activities and much more! Day camps are run similarly to Vacation Bible Schools and other day camp programs. Our volunteers are able to enhance the children’s experiences through interaction, whether it be fellowship, playing games, going on field trips, or presenting Bible stories and devotions. The children of the Sonshine Day Camp are truly remarkable in their ability to show love to so many volunteers that come in and out of their lives each summer. 

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/donate/

Mission

To introduce remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby with a free gift of professional portraiture.

Our Work

NILMDTS trains, educates, and mobilizes professional quality photographers to provide beautiful heirloom portraits to families facing the untimely death of an infant. We believe these images serve as an important step in the family's healing process by honoring the child's legacy.

Harperisms 2016

It is high time for another of these posts! Harper keeps us in stitches!

Jason- "You're going to be a crazy cat lady, aren't you?"

HG- "oh yes"

"Mama, did you know 100 years ago the beaches were closed? Ha! Just kidding! Beaches don't be owned by people! That would be silly."

"Tell me when you're going to have an argument and I'll decide who I agree with. I think it's going to be Mommy." 9/7/15

"When I grow up I'm going to have my wedding at Old McDonald's (what Harper calls McDonald's) and it won't cost very much money." 9/6/15

"She doesn't go to school. She's homeless school." 10/2/15

Harper: "Remember when we couldn't use up our food? Remember when there was a war that one weekend and we couldn't use up our food or the bad guy would take it?"

"Guess what? I am never ever going to marry a bad guy. I'll just kick him in the penis. If he has one."

Harper: "what are we eating for dinner?"

Me: 'leftover chicken'

Harper: "oh I HATE leftover chicken. I'm calling the chicken people who make chicken taste bad."

Me: ignores

Harper: eats all

3/15/16

Harper just tried to say "an unmentionable horror" but instead said "an unmentionable whore". 4/1/16

Reflecting

The past few days I've been sick and in a lot of pain. Which has left me to my thoughts. Which means the blog gets updated. I've been thinking a lot about Jack lately and especially today. Two years ago today was the worst day of my life. Two years ago, about this time actually, Jason and I were sitting in an ultrasound room at UAB being told that our baby did not have a chance of surviving once he was born. There is nothing that can prepare a person for a moment like that and no words that can adequately capture everything we felt in those moments.
I can not say enough about all of the people who have helped us emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally along the way. And I am sure with the birth of Hendrix and all the joy that has brought us it seems we have moved on. But there is no moving on from losing a child. Yes, we celebrate (even more so) the amazing things Harper and Hendrix do (no matter how seemingly insignificant) and yes we do have happiness and joy but the sorrow will always be there.
I think I can say we are in a healthy place of grief. We are able to talk about our feelings and we feel safe enough to FEEL those feelings. But we will always be grieving. There are a lot of thoughts I have that make me cringe and I love that I have a few people that I can say those to that I know won't judge me for them. Like how I think about if Jack had survived how different my life would be now. And there are things that I haven't been able to bring myself to do yet. I have a beautiful wooden box with a glass lid to put Jack's blanket, hat, hospital bracelet, etc in. Yet I haven't done it yet. And not because I don't like the box. His things are still sitting in the chair in the corner of our bedroom. They may always stay there. Or one day I will decide it is time to arrange them in the box. Each year I make a family yearbook so that our digital pictures will become physical. But until today I hadn't been able to bring myself to make our family yearbook for 2014, the year Jack was born. Looking through the pictures from that year was SO good. I looked at all of the things we got to do as we walked with the knowledge from January until April that Jack would not survive. I see the pictures of us smiling, really smiling, and celebrating moments in our lives all the while carrying such a heavy burden. And it is such a sweet reminder that God is so faithful. He does not leave us. He does not fail. He held us close during those agonizing moments and gave us strength to walk through life. To LIVE life. He gave us joy amidst such sorrow. I am so glad that (only 13 months late) I finally made the family yearbook. What a sweet reminder of God's grace to us.

Also, here is a link to a video of a sermon our church did on where God is in suffering. 

6 months old!

How? How is this sweet sweet baby half a year old? Since I am not great about keeping up with the blog I am going to upload a ton of pictures to help ME remember what has happened in the past 3 months since I've updated on Mr. H-man (one of his many nicknames). Currently he is 28.5 inches long, 18lbs, 2oz, and healthy! In the past month he's had a stomach bug and a bad cold, so we're hoping to stay healthy for a while! He is 98th percentile for height/length (no surprise there) and 61st for weight. 

                                                                   First aquarium trip!

First trip to the Varsity!

 Hendrix was baptized on August 30. 

It was a special day!

 He got to celebrate with his sister and cousins! They love him so much!

 Hendrix got to go to the Hot Air Balloon Festival at Callaway Gardens!

 Life is busy, but we love to spend time just hanging out together. Harper wanted to take a "family selfie". Haha!

Hendrix's first day of "school". 

 These two love each other so much. He tolerates his sister's antics pretty well!

Nap time with these two is such a sweet time for me, I love that they both enjoy "reading".

 First Auburn game of the season (an away game).

 First tailgate!

First football game! War Eagle!

 Second aquarium trip! I braved the aquarium with two kids by myself!

 He really is a super happy, easy going kid!

 He can hold his bottle by himself for a while, but we still feed him most of the time.

He's getting better sitting up! He loves to play by throwing/swiping the toys off the tray and having us pick them back up. He LOVES toys that make noise when moved (i.e. rattles, jingle toys, etc). 

 He also loves playing with the remote control. This was when he was sick with the stomach bug!

Here he is at his doctor's appointment for the bad virus, happy as a clam (until they swabbed his nose!).

 First trip to the pumpkin patch!

 First Halloween! A shark and a jelly fish!

 First train ride at the Montgomery Zoo.

 The fan at the zoo! Hendrix got to go for his cousins' birthday party!

 First time trying rice cereal. Clearly it was not his favorite! We've since tried carrots and he does like those better.

Celebrating Granddaddy's birthday! 

 He rolls from front to back and back to front. He can get up on all fours and scoots a bit but we still aren't coordinated enough to crawl (thankfully!).

 The day he turned 6 months old he started sitting up!

I couldn't resist this one! He loves anything his sister does. He pesters her when he gets to her stuff! And it's only just begun! ha!

Hendrix, there are a million things I want you to know. I hope that you always keep your happy, joyful spirit. I hope you always know that you are loved. And as much as Daddy, Harper, and I love you God loves you immeasurably more. That is so hard for me to understand most days. Sometimes though, when I am tired and you are fussy, I am thankful my imperfect love for you is covered with God's grace and that HE loves you fully and perfectly and unconditionally. You are loved, sweet boy, you are loved. 

5 (aka A Love Letter to My Firstborn)

Day 1! Welcome to the world!

One year old! About to sneak some food at your party, I think!

Two! What a precious girl!

Three years old! You requested strawberry cake again this year. 

Four years old and fearless!

Harper,
The day I found out that you'd be joining our family I instantly felt joy, fear, and anticipation. And I've felt all of those emotions throughout the time I was pregnant with you and through all stages of your development. I am not sure why but 5 has been a harder number for me to swallow. We've been anticipating it for so long, planning, but I've been fearing it, too. 5. Five fingers, a whole hand! Half of a decade!

Right now you look up to me so much. You trust me. You believe I can do anything! When we talked about not having a big party this year and instead celebrating with family your one request was to have a princess castle cake like the one in Publix. Then you decided you wanted to MAKE a princess castle cake with me. That you have that much confidence in my (seriously lacking) cake decorating skills is amazing. And I know I will fail you. And I already have. But I am so thankful that God loves you more than even I do. And he loves me. And even though I will fail and even though I fear so much I know that He is so good and He loves us more than we could ever ask or imagine.
You are SO amazingly kind. Though you, like all of us, have your moments, you continue to astound your Daddy and I with how sweet and thoughtful you are. You already have birthday presents planned for all the upcoming family birthdays until next May! You love your brothers so much and are fiercely protective of both of them. When we talk about someone who is sick or hurting or sad you stop everything and insist that we pray for them. You want to take action immediately to help. Your are such a do-er. And your Daddy and I both struggle with this, it amazes us that from the time you were barely able to put words together to form sentences you've been praying for people and wanting to go and help. Your drive and persistence and bossiness assertiveness all come together in a beautiful package that makes your such a caring person.
And you are brilliant! We are constantly amazed at what a great vocabulary you have, how much you know about birds and trees and flowers and animals, how you can retell a story we've read once from memory. You still love going to school so much and asked to go on your birthday even though I offered to let you play hooky! At school you guys are learning to journal. You can identify all of your alphabet, know some sight words, can count up to at least 50, maybe higher (and you always want to know what number is bigger than 100, bigger than 1,000, etc). You want to read so badly and are so concerned that you "can't read" but have faith that your Grandmother will teach you since she helps people who can't read. We try and tell you that you ARE reading, just not whole books yet, but you don't believe us!
You LOVE gymnastics still. Now you are getting to go on the high bar and beam and though you need to know the coach is there to grab her hand, you are fearless once you get to the end of the beam and swan dive off into the pit. You have also been asking to play soccer but we are only doing one activity at a time, so we'll see how the gymnastics thing goes first.
Harper- our family is so blessed to have you in our lives. It is hard to remember what my life was like without you in it. Certainly less boring and less loving. You still tell me many times a day that you love me and that I am beautiful. :-) You make my heart so happy. Happy birthday sweet girl!
WE LOVE YOU!

3 Months Old!

I really think someone is pushing fast forward on the remote control for my life. How is my sweet baby already 3 months old? I feel more sad about this milestone than the last several. Maybe because I go back to work next week and I know time will seem to go by even faster, though I know the time I have with Hendrix and with Harper will be more quality time.
We packed a LOT into the past month so I'll use pictures to help me remember what we've done! He doesn't go to the doctor this month so no stats, but he is growing like a weed! So glad he is healthy. And the reflux medication is helping! Thank goodness!

Hendrix got to participate in his first Cow Appreciation Day at Chik-fil-A. He was sad he didn't get to partake in the food!

Big month of firsts! First trip to the beach!

This little boy LOVES taking baths! I have a feeling he will be a little fish when he gets old enough to learn how to swim!

He likes tummy time now, no screaming. But it isn't very interesting and often he works so hard holding his 95th percentile head up he eventually falls asleep! Ha!

Celebrating my mom's birthday!

 These two love each other so much!

It seriously makes my mama heart burst when I see how much they love each other!

And this one! Oh, be still my heart. She loves 'reading' and I hope we can pass this on to him as well!

Hendrix would like to add that sometimes his sister loves him a little too much. Here she shared her hair bow with him. He was not amused!

Hendrix is so snuggly. He has trouble sleeping when not swaddled, but will easily fall asleep if he can cuddle with this soft lovie. I am so glad that he loves to snuggle with me, too!

Hendrix added two new states this month! Georgia and Tennessee. We got to see dear friends from college (some that live in Nashville, some that were visiting from Texas!). It is always such a joy to see friends that we don't get to see nearly as often as we like AND to get to see all of our kids becomes friends, too!

Last picture! That is Jason on the left and Hendrix on the right, both wearing the same outfit. They obviously favor! (Though Jason was fatter!)

I really don't know how to put into words how thankful I am to be able to parent this sweet boy. God gave us such an amazing gift at exactly the right time, though a year ago I was terrified and excited all at the same time, wondering if I was emotionally ready to be mom to another child. I pray that Hendrix keeps his sweet spirit, that he and Harper will always share such a special bond, and that he will grow to love the Lord with joy and passion!