Harperism's 2014

I realized I haven't posted any of these for 2014...obviously it's been a little crazy this year but we've still been keeping up with it (love the notes function on my phone!). So here is one big crazy list of all the things Harper has said the last few months!

(she cracks us up! Anybody remember the cartoon Doug and his character Quail Man?)

I just met who you married!
  (considering that is her Daddy....I think the "just" doesn't apply!)

Look how raggedy. She needs to pull herself together. (To a crow)
  (this one both makes me cry from laughing so hard and mortifies me!)

To God's relief, he loves us all.

Um, excuse me Mom, but this seems to be loose.
    (Is she almost 4 or 40?)

Melon is God's candy!
   (I love when she comes up with stuff like this on her own- we've never said this to her!)

Daddy, you know what? If there was a monster in here you could fight it.
    (I love how much she looks up to her daddy!)

Like a family we're all going to share Daddy's ice cream!
   (My kind of family!)

It is alright if you are naked in Heaven. 

I don't feel like a kid.
     (This one makes me kind of sad, because she should only ever feel like a kid at this age!)

It's kind of awkward how they made this potty seat.
     (Her use of the word awkward is hilarious!)

How old is the world? I think it's "five fivety".

Toby Im not happy with you today, you should be punished.

Umfy  
     (This is a word she made up to describe when she is not in a good mood. Like the next level of  
      grumpy)

Crunchtons
    (Croutons)

When I grow up I don't have to go to school.
(Me) Yes, but you have to go to work.
I won't go to work.
(Me) Then how will you make money?
I'll use wood to make money 
   Future Counterfeiter?!?!?

Providence

prov·i·dence  [prov-i-duhns] 

noun

1.

( often initial capital letter ) the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth.

2.

( initial capital letter ) God, especially when conceived asomnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankindwith wise benevolence.

3.

a manifestation of divine care or direction.

4.

provident or prudent management of resources; prudence.

5.

foresight; provident care.

(source: http://dictionary.reference.com)

For the past 8 months our family has been through hell. I use that term very intentionally. (If you somehow missed our story scroll down a few posts.) 3 weeks ago was not so fun, either (fridge broke, flooded the floors, ruined the floors, had to move out of the house for a few days due to hot, noisy equipment sucking water out of floors, then the AC broke, etc etc etc).  Anyway, it is easy to think during times like this "where are you God?" or "why me?". And we did think exactly that the day we *thought* we were going to get to move back into our house and I came home to discover it was well over 90 degrees inside the house (some of us, uh hum, may have felt that way sooner). HOWEVER, not for one moment did God ever leave us or abandon us. 

The day we had the first ultrasound with Jack was a Wednesday. Small group day. Which means a group of people who we do life with, who care for us and for our family, was already scheduled to come to our house. And they were a much needed pillar of support that day. 

God provided us with MANY people who helped support us, celebrate with us, and mourn with us.

God provided us with this sweet, funny, silly, amazing girl- who made us laugh when we didn't think it was possible, who prayed for her brother without being asked to, who pretended to read to me from the Bible when I was feeling sad or sick.

God provided ME with an amazing husband who was my rock when I would fall apart, who allowed himself to fall apart, who works so hard to help provide for our family- despite the overwhelming grief that we experienced, and who loves our family in such a selfless way, it makes me want to be better at loving others!

God provided us with a significant increase in cash-flow (thanks to a rebate check and the sale of Jason's old tire rims) just a few days before all of our house drama. 

And most importantly, God provided us with the promise that he will always be with us. Though we may go through hellish times, when we can reflect on and remember his provisions in our lives and remember he will be with us every step of the way, we know that God never fails.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness,

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

We are not consumed. 

Being Present

Being a parent is a hard mix of joy and fear. Fear of seeing your own weaknesses as a parent, fear for what could happen to your child, fear of the unknown- including the next stage of development. It is always such a sad/happy combination when your child advances to whatever is next (holding up their head, sitting up, crawling, walking, eating baby food, etc.). Once you are in the toddler/preschool stage those changes aren't as obvious sometimes and they don't come as frequently. But when I notice them it makes me sad for the stage that is gone.
When I was pregnant with Jack there were a lot of times when it was especially hard to be a good mom for Harper. Honestly, I was so stressed and so sad that it was hard to be engaged with her. (Side note- I realize that this might seem strange because of course, you'd think your natural reaction would be to cherish and love on your children even more- which I did sometimes, but until you've walked in these shoes- which I sincerely pray no one else has to do- there is no way to understand. So no judging please). Harper definitely lifted our spirits daily and helped us smile and laugh when I didn't think it was possible. But there were times that I was so unengaged that I probably missed out on things I wish I hadn't. We've also been looking at old pictures of Harper and reminiscing/mourning her baby/toddler days.
But I've been trying to really appreciate the stage she is in now, too. It really is such a fun age and I know I'll be so sad to see THIS stage gone as well (all too soon!). She is at the point where we can have a full conversation, pretty much like any grown up. Sometimes better than some adults! ;-) She also has started telling jokes (though, much like her mother, she usually doesn't remember the punch line). She remembers EVERYTHING (which we have to be super careful with) and often will reminisce with us "When I was a little girl..." or "When I was two...". Often when she says "when I was two" it was something that just happened a week ago! She is also SUPER helpful now, which is awesome. And she loves to help. She begs to help with washing dishes, loves to help with yard work (especially watering plants), and loves to help me "clean" the floors with her brooms and mops. She also just had the stomach bug and as gross as this may be, she now can throw up in the toilet or into a trash can rather than just all over (she almost never gets the stomach bug so maybe this usually happens earlier, who knows!). Today she really wanted to help me disinfect everything, so I gave her a sanitizing wipe and we went to town wiping everything down! How awesome is that? Sick one day then helping to disinfect the next! Another one of my favorite things right now is that Harper still doesn't really care what other people think about her. Oh, she wants her friends to be nice and treat her well but as far as being embarrassed about things we haven't hit that stage yet. Sometimes she won't "perform" for people, but that is fine. Today we were outside and she was riding her bike. At the corner of our street is a raised drainage ditch. She stood on the "stage" and sang "Let It Go" loudly while doing every. single. motion. from the song. It was the sweetest thing to just sit back and appreciate her innocence and confidence and just pure joy that she had.
When I posted on New Years Eve about what a crappy year 2013 had been and how we were making a blessings jar so we could look back on 2014 and really appreciate it I had no idea how much we'd need that or how much worse 2014 would be than 2013. I hope that we can continue to be present and truly appreciate all of the amazing things we have been blessed with. And even if you haven't gone through a crisis, it is just as important for you to appreciate everything you have! Because we aren't guaranteed that it will be here tomorrow!

Here is Harper telling one of her jokes! 

LOVED.

When you are in a nightmare that there is no waking up from, you can do one of two things. You can give up and succumb to the nightmare. Or you can rise above it and make the choice to keep on going, keep moving forward. I say choice because it is. Life can throw you some terrible curveballs but it is your choice how you handle it.

Our family is so fortunate because even in times when I just wanted to give up, we were loved so well and so deeply that it motivated us to choose to keep going. If you are reading this blog you are most likely one of those people that showed us love. From a random text on a random day from a friend halfway across the country just to say hi and thinking about you, to a freezer full of food to sustain us through the hard times, to meals brought for weeks by people who sacrificed their time and energy to bring us dinner to make life a little easier, to cards from people we haven't spoken to in years,  to sweet friends flying and driving from all over to rally around me, to prayers for us from those close to us and from people in other countries we will never meet, to our families who knew when to give us space and when to hold us tight, to the sweet teachers at Harper's school that let her talk about Jack when she needs to, to the people who have been bold enough to share their stories of loss and hope and healing with us.

There are a thousand other ways we have been loved and I wish I could share them all. We appreciate you all SO much and there is no way I will ever be able to express my gratitude in words. We have learned so much how to love others well from the way you all have loved us and we will (and hopefully have already) love on other people in this same way. You have all been the literal body of Christ to us. Jesus' message boiled down to its most simplistic form was love.

Strength

It is Mother's Day weekend. Today is also Jack's one month birthday.  Mother's Day weekend used to only be a happy time. I never realized how hard this weekend could be for people, not just who have lost a child, but people who long to have children and haven't, people who have lost their mother, and people who don't have a good relationship with their own moms. This weekend I will celebrate getting to be a mom. I can't and won't spend the weekend in mourning. Will I be sad? yes. Will I be thinking about Jack constantly? yes. I have prayed for strength to not only get through this weekend but to enjoy it as much as possible. So far I have been able to enjoy a lot; getting to have Muffins with Mom at Harper's school, visiting with other moms while we watch our kids play at the playground, watching a roomful of kids sing and dance to "Let It Go" from Frozen, and meeting a dear friend for lunch today. My prayer for strength makes me think a lot about various versions of the same phrase that people have said over and over to Jason and I:

"You are a strong person." "You guys are so strong." "I could never do that, you're stronger than me."

Want to know a secret? We are not strong. And when you tell me "I could never do it"...guess what? I said the same thing when I saw other people going through really hard situations "I don't know how they do it, I could never do it". We don't get a choice whether we get to "do it" or not. I would have NEVER labeled myself as someone strong enough to go through the loss of a child. I think of all the instances in the Bible when God chooses people to further his kingdom that no one would have ever picked out as being special or important enough to be chosen by God (even Jesus was not who people would have expected- they expected a king in a palace, not a baby born in a manger!). I say this not to say we are as important as Jesus by any means, but to say that God gives strength to people without any. He values everyone, even the weakest. There is no way I would even be standing right now if it weren't for the strength supplied by God. He put people in our lives who have prayed for us without ceasing, people who have loved us and helped us get through this. He has given us strength that I can only describe as supernatural. The fact that I am still breathing, still standing, still walking around, still able to laugh and smile, points to this supernatural strength. So while we may seem strong, please know that we are weak and broken people. Who have been blessed with strength unimaginable by God, not from ourselves.

Heard this on the way home from lunch today and thought it was appropriate for this blog post!

One week

A week ago today we got to meet our sweet Jack. A week ago today we said goodbye to sweet Jack.

I am sitting here at our dining room table. Decorated for Easter. It seems strange to have eggs and bunnies and flowers now. I am sure anyone who has experienced a loss can testify that it is magnified around a holiday. But right now the loss is so fresh, it is even stranger to have the contrast between the deep feelings of grief and the happy pastels of this holiday.

Our table is also strewn with papers. Mail yet to be opened that collected while we were at the hospital. "Recommended Resources" on coping with grief, on helping your children cope with grief. Insurance papers, medical bills. All reminders of what we do not have.

What we do have, though, is hope. We have never lost hope. Even in the darkest of times when we are sobbing with grief, we have hope. While Easter is especially hard for many reasons this year (the fact that this holiday is centered around the death of a son is not lost on us) it is good, too, that we have this reminder of how much God loves us. I understand even more now the pain God endured when he CHOSE to lose his son. For me. For you. I can not fathom making that choice, giving up your perfect son on purpose in order to redeem the sinful, evil, hateful people of the world. It gives me great joy to think on how amazing that depth of love must be (I can not even begin to pretend I could ever love that deeply). It also gives me great sadness to know that another woman lost her son because of how sinful my life is.

We are doing as well as anyone could expect. I think the term "coping with grief" is appropriate. Nothing can make it better, nothing can "cure" it. Nothing can numb the pain. But we learn to cope. And we keep our eyes open for all the beautiful things in this world. In our precious daughter's made up songs, in the beauty that is spring in full bloom, in the people who have loved us so well during our darkest time. Loved us in a way that is surprising and unfathomable. In a way that is much like the way Jesus loved us at Easter.

Jack

December 11, 2013 was the start of the hardest journey Jason and I have ever been on. It was a fun day, Harper had her school's Christmas program that day and that afternoon we were going to get to see our newest little one for the first time and find out if Harper would have a sister or a brother. They figured out pretty quickly that we were having a boy. But soon after that the ultrasound tech told us that something was wrong. I can't remember how she phrased it, only that I felt my heart sink into my feet. It felt like all of the blood drained out of my face. When the doctor came in (not our regular OB, who was not at that office that day) he was very cut and dry. It appeared that our sweet boy was having some growth issues in his limbs. They were sending us to UAB. Less than a week later (though it seemed much longer than that) we headed to UAB and heard relieving news. Though our little one did indeed have smaller limbs everything else looked healthy. A few weeks later we returned for a follow-up ultrasound. The news was not as good. The term they used was "lethal". The long drive from Birmingham back home was torture. Every follow-up ultrasound confirmed the lethal diagnosis. Jack's rib cage wasn't growing enough to allow him to breathe once he was born. It was (and remains) so hard to accept because he was so active and spunky while I was pregnant with him. God blessed us with family and friends (all over the country) who prayed for us and with us and cried with us and loved us so well. This is how we managed to put one foot in front of the other for months. We didn't tell many people about what was going on until just before Jack was born. The reason I write this now is just to share our story and explain a little more about what was going on with Jack. We will meet with the geneticists at UAB in a few months to confirm Jack's diagnosis. They are pretty sure they know what his diagnosis is, but the results of their testing will confirm it. We will not share the specific name of his diagnosis for several reasons. One is that it is not something that could have been prevented, no amount of medical research could stop this or treat this or prevent it. Based on what I know the chances of this occurring are one in 20,000. It is not passed down in families and is not a worry to Harper if she has children. The chances of it occurring again in our family is "nearly zero". But it happened. And our son is not here with us but waiting in Heaven until we are reunited again. He never suffered, never sinned, never knew anything but LOVE. We chose the name Jack Andrew because Jack means God is gracious and Andrew means strength. God has been so gracious to us throughout this  journey and has given us strength unimaginable. We are so  glad to have gotten to spend a precious few hours with Jack and will cherish those memories until we get to see him again.